


May the Wave Bring You to Me

by dimethief



Category: Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six (Video Games)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Violence, Castle being papabear, F/F, Fluff, Friendship, How Do I Tag, I swear the whole thing is gonna take a turn, I write this instead of playing R6, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Shameless Smut, Slow Burn, Torture, blowjob, handjob, maybe not, no beta we go raw baby, rare pairing uwu, some tasteless humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:21:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 26,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23001919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dimethief/pseuds/dimethief
Summary: It's not okay to fall in love with your best friend. Castle should've known that. He doesn't mind just stay with Jack as a friend, but little does his know, something is coming for him.An vacation that brings everything together but tears everything apart as well.
Relationships: Jack "Pulse" Estrada/Miles "Castle" Campbell, Mike "Thatcher" Baker/Jordan "Thermite" Trace, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added, Yumiko "Hibana" Imagawa/Grace "Dokkaebi" Nam
Comments: 7
Kudos: 42





	1. Crush

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first long fic. I will try my best to make it as good as I can. I might update this every weekend. But let's see how this is gonna go. 
> 
> This is rare pairing, but I'm a sucker for rare pairing uwu. I hope you can fall in love with this characters as I develop them.
> 
> And again, English is not my first language. But I'll do my best, and thanks to @mirrorworldangle who gives me many opinions about the character and plot developing!!
> 
> Last thing, I write this for my own fantasy hehe

It’s the early morning when the cloud hung low over distant hills by the stadium. The sun shines through the smooth dim making it glowing in gold. It’s almost 6am when everyone is probably still in sleep. However there’s someone who’s jogging on the running track inside the stadium. Old, black running shoes pounding the dirty track, a thin layer of sweat is covering his neck, as the adrenaline courses through his veins. He feels his leg muscles running warm; fresh air enters his lungs and blood flows into all his limbs.

Castle likes morning jogging a lot. He usually wakes up early to start his day with a semi-intense jogging. It’s been a couple of months since he moved to the new base - a stadium in Greece. Unlike England, Greece is a place where you can actually feel the warm sunlight soothing your skin to even your soul. As a Californian, he is used to bright and hot sun rather than dull and sticky rain. He’s indeed pleased with Harry’s idea of moving the base to Greece.

As the hour hand flicks right at 6 on his watch, Castle starts slowing his pace till he eventually stops jogging. He breaths frantically, feeling a bead of sweat rolling down his forehead. He lifts his hand wiping the sweat away, and he decides he needs a shower before breakfast.

Entering the shower room, Castle is surprised to see the tall FBI agent is there as well. Castle glances up and down to the man in only a grey towel around his waist, who is putting all his attention on his phone. The shirtless torso is nothing new to the dark-skin operator, but he still can’t help suck in a sharp breath. The chiseled chest and the skin on it was glowing healthily under the warm light in the shower room. His arms are long and toned, wrapping below his chest. _ Jack is… a piece of living art _ , Castle thinks as he swallows his attempts to touch this man’s body down his throat. 

After helplessly rubbing his face to kick those steamy thoughts away, Castle greets at first, “hey, Jack. You're up early today.” Castle takes back his vision from Pulse as the taller man tilts his head and looks at the former. “Well, I have some plans today” Pulse puts his phone away and says, “and you’re alway up early. Let me guess, morning jog?”

Castle nods in agreement before he takes off his shirt. “I would ask you to join me if I knew you’re up.” Castle says as he takes off his sports shorts, leaving him only in his boxer.

Pulse can’t help to envy how his friend’s body is so muscular and toned. Castle maybe is slightly shorter than him, but Castle is way more muscular than him so those strong arms can lift those heavy barricades effortlessly every time. His abdominals were sculptured to perfection as his six-packs pop, instantly reminding Pulse those models he sees in Calvin Klein shoot. “Ha, yeah, I should work out with you more!” Pulse gives Castle a punch in his shoulder and continues delightfully, “bro, you gotta help me to get a body like yours.”

Castle lets out a light chuckle. He grabs what he needs for his shower, and leaves a joking question as he walks into one of the shower booths, “want to impress the lady?”

Pulse answers with a laugh; but with the water splashing over Castle’s head right now, Pulse’s sure he can’t hear it. Nobody talks anymore; the splashing sound echoing in the shower room as Pulse quickly gets dressed and leaves without saying.

Castle leans back to the wall after he hears the door shutting. He hisses as the coldness of the wall hits his back, it’s uncomfortable but maybe it can calm his mind and cool his body a bit. There’s some sinful thoughts flashing in his head as he slowly strokes his semi-hard buddy. Hot water spreading upon his face, blurring his vision. For a second, he sees his taller friend is standing in front of him, all naked. He sees his friend lying a gentle kiss on his neck, then with a sultry smile he gets on his knees. He looks down and sees his friend rubbing his cheek against his hard cock, as if his cock is a treasure to his friend.Slowly stroking his cock with his friend’s both hands, a red tongue gently licking the tip of it. Castle grunts in pleasure, and he feels his body shaking while the man swallowing his whole thing down his throat. Castle groans out of his rapid breathing, as he feels he’s close to coming. Then it’s the voice that breaks the last stream of his mind, he moans in a low sound while his body twitches a bit. A white and dense liquid spreads on the wall.

“Miles, I want you deep inside me, please.” The voice says.

Castle opens his eyes rapidly, and all he can see is a stained wall in front of him. The emptiness hits back to his heart so swiftly that he feels his heart shakes in ache. He lets out a heavy sigh as he stands up straight, letting the water rinsing on him as it’ll wash his guilt away. 

  
  
  
  
  


Castle places a plate of scrambled eggs and a slice of toast on the table. He then turns back to the kitchen, pouring a cup of coffee for himself. Leaning against the kitchen counter, he glances at the clock on the wall, and it says 7:30. He smiles lightly as he takes a sip from his hot coffee. It’s also at this very moment,the door opened up, Pulse walks in with a silly grin on his face. Castle turns his head towards the door, as his smiles fades away almost immediately.

Pulse doesn’t even notice Castle being in the kitchen as he’s listening cheerfully to whatever the young woman is saying.

Castle humphs in his throat.

“Oh hey, Miles!” The young woman greets in a surprised but merry tone. Pulse looks up and then waves to him as well.

Castle greets back politely, “Nice to see you Yumiko. I didn’t know you’re back from Japan already?” He gives them a soft smile.

“Nice to see you too, Miles!” Hibana walks up to Castle and gives him a fist bump as she continues, “I just got back here this morning, and can you believe this bastard actually woke up early in order to welcome me?”

“I don’t know Jack can be romantic.” Castle chuckles lightly.

“Shut it, man..” Pulse elbow punches Castle’s shoulder trying to refute.

“Nah, he’s just like my big brother, you know.” Hibana waves her arm to Castle, then she teases Pulse, “right, babe?”

“Ay, ay, yall want some breakfast since I cooked some?” he points at the food on the table. He sees his flustered friend and he decides to save him from the conversation.

Hibana squeals in cheers and nods immediately. 

“Alright, I’m gonna heat up more toast for you, Jack. Yall can share the eggs.” Castle gives his friend a gentle smile, then he turns back to him as his heart crocks.

Eventually, Castle leaves them to enjoy the meal that he prepares for his significant one. With the door shut, blocking all those laughter behind him, he finally feels he can breath. 

Pulse has a crush on Hibana. And that’s no secret to him. As Pulse’s close friend, he knows almost everything about this man. Of course as much as generous, he agrees to help his dear friend to get what he wants. It’s never easy, he has this urge to make his dear friend happy, though it may hurt him a little bit. As Dr. Harishva says, “ _ He's so concerned for others that he may overlook his own needs _ .”

Like right now, he’s heart is aching.  _ But it’s going to be ok. _ Castle gives himself a bitter smile, as he feels unbelievably vulnerable right now. Dragging his feet back to his dorm, Castle tells himself that _ it’s gonna be ok _ , as if the more he says this the pain in his chest will go away.

For Castle, “crush” is such a tasteless word, that is only used by young folks or people who still have a heart of youth (like Pulse). Castle doesn’t think he has a crush on Pulse but loves him with hotter passion. This man is all over his mind. One day they may end up together, retiring together; maybe even start a family of their own… These dreamy wishes bring hope that guides him to nowhere but the sea of disappointment. And there’s nothing he can do but sheeply giving his loved one to someone else.

  
  
  


A week later.

When Pulse bursts in his room Castle is watching some documentary on the TV. Pulse dresses in his usual sweatpants and a black t-shirt. Castle grins lazily as he lays on the couch comfortably.

“What’s up man?” Pulse greets and jumps on the couch, sitting down right next to Castle’s head.

“About to eat your ass since you want to sit on my face?” Castle gives the other man a smirk.

“Now that’s gay.” Pulse slaps Castle’s shoulder as he laughs.

Castle adjusts his head to lay against the other man’s back, while Pulse leans forward to let the other lays his head on his back comfortably.

There’s a moment of silence that Castle enjoys very much. He can feels Pulse’s firm and warm body against the side of his forehead. He wishes this moment would last longer when Pulse breaks the silence.

“I’m going to tell Yumiko how I feel.” Pulse says in a calm voice.

Heart drops like someone just burn the rope of hope that is holding Castle’s heart up and tight. “Good. I’m sure she-” Castle mumbles in a low voice.

“I’m serious.” Pulse interrupts Castle as he turns around.

Without the warm back holding his head, Castle’s head hits the couch hard. Luckily the couch is soft enough to not hurt him, unlike the man in front of him, who can break his heart easily without even knowing. But Castle can’t blame Pulse; because he doesn know, and he doesn’t need to know, as Castle wishes.

“Well...” Castle sits up as he says, “if you need a piece of advice from me, I’d say don’t bring flowers or anything cheesy.”

“Ok, and?” Pulse notes it down in his head. 

“Do you have anything that’s...uh… special and meaningful for her? ” Castle asks softly.

Pulse pauses for a second, then his eyes sparkle up like he just has an idea in his head. Then he grabs something from his pocket and shows it to Castle.

It's a little charm that operators always hang on their weapons, but this one is a bit different. This one is not as delicate as others, instead it’s rough. You can tell from the uneven edges and coarse surface. Castle assumes that Pulse makes this by himself. But that’s what it matters, something you create with your own hand and hearts is what touches the other’s soft spot. It’s not a gift of fancy but a gift of his heart. Yes, it’s literally a heart with the name “Yukimo” engraved upon it.

“This... is lovely.” Castle is amazed by how much effort his friend put into this thing.

Pulse parts his lips slightly then gives the other man a grin, “ah thanks man. I hope she will accept it.”

“Yeah, same, I hope so.” Castle forces himself a cheerful smile as he lies to his friend. Part of his heart he doesn’t want Pulse actually ends up dating Hibana, but,  _ as a friend _ , he should pray for his friend to succeed. No matter what, he’s just Pulse’s friend at the end of day. What’s his position that allows him to be jealous? 

Castle tucks his drifted mind back and decides to help his friend out. He takes that little charm and glares at with his pinched nose. “You know, I can help you to polish it a bit. Just make it look more delicate.” Thumb rubbing on the crude surface of that metal heart, Castle says sincerely.

Pulse leans forward with a hand on his heart, says, “Miles, that’d be great! I don’t know how to thank you enough for this!”

Castle shakes his head as he pats his friend’s shoulder, “no need, Jack. You’re my best friend. That’s what friends are for.”

_ He’s his friend. Just friends. _ Castle has never hated this word this much in his whole life .


	2. Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BTW there's no beta reader for first 3 chapters so pleas bear with my grammar ;-;

Next day, Castle catches Thermite at the workshop. He puts down that little charm in front of Thermite, as Thermite raises his brow in questions.

“Can you do me a favor to polish this a bit?” Castle asks.

“I don’t know you have a crush on Yumiko, Miles.” Thermite holds his laughter as he observes the little thing in his hand.

“Man, it’s obvious not me.” Castle’s nose crinkles.

Thermite giggles and says to Castle, “I know. You’re a good friend.”

Castle feels the corner of his eye twitches a bit. “Yeah right.” He gives the other man a fake smile and nods.

Thermite is too busy to notice his friend’s reaction as he’s thinking what he should do with this little charm. 

“Anyway, can I get it by the end of the day? Jack needs it tomorrow.” Castle asks.

“Nah man, you can just wait here for like 20 minutes, and I’ll be done by then.” It’s not a hard task for this smart engineer.

“Alright then.” Says Castle who sits down by Thermite and looks at the working man interestedly.

It actually takes less than 20 minutes for Thermite to finish polishing. The little charm now looks smooth and delicate. Thermite even paints the name in beautiful red which is Hibana’s favourite color. The little silver heart reflects the light that shines right at Castle’s eyes. Castle blocks the blinding light with one hand covering his eyes, while his lips tightens.

“How do you like it, Miles?” Therimite proudly says to the silent black man next to him.

Castle grabs that charm and praises his friend, “Not gonna lie, you have magical hands.”

“That’s what Mike says.” Thermite giggles and winks at Castle.

“No need to know that.” Castle rolls his eyes.

After he thanks his friend, he thinks maybe he can give this thing to Pulse later, so he decides to train a bit.

He walks in the shooting range and surprisingly sees Pulse is there too. Well, with Hibana and some other operators. 

Castle greets them. While others greet him, Pulse walks up to him giving him a hug. “God, I’m glad you’re here Miles!” Then Pulse points at other operators continues, “these girls are seriously making fun of my shooting skill.”

“Well how many did you miss?” Castle chuckles and keeps his eyes locked upon the man who looks frustrated in front of him.

“You should ask how many he hit.” Dokkaebi laughs.

“Sh-shut up!” Pulse shouts back as his face turns red.

Castle pats Pulse’s back and walks up to those female operators with a playful smile. “Alright, let’s square up.”

“Ok then, papabear, let’s see what you got.” Dokkaebi agrees right away. Then she turns to Hibana, Caveira, and Mira who are standing behind her.

“I’m out.” Hibana waves her hand.

“Aww, you’re tired already, babe?” Dokkaebi jokes with a smirk.

Hibana feels her face heat up a bit, and she looks away mumbling, “whatever..”

“I’ll do it.” Caveira steps forward as she stares at Castle. Caveira is always competitive, it’s even getting worse after she lost the tournament a couple months ago. 

“My pleasure to be the audience.” Mira smiles as she sits down in the back.

“Good. Let’s do 1 round each. Who hits the most wins.” Castle walks up to the counter and grabs a semi-auto rifle handing to Caveira, “lady first.”

Caveira frowns because she knows she’s not the best with a semi-auto rifle compared to sub-machine guns and handguns. But her ego won’t let her refuse. She grabs the rifle, and before she poses herself she gives Castle a death glare.

Shots fire. Light smoke drifts away from the barrel of the. Caveira’s mouth twitches as she sees she only hits 17 out of 21. It’s an impressive accuracy; but, again, Caveira is competitive and she’s not gonna be satisfied unless she does it perfectly.

Castle smiles. He then grabs the same rifle on the table, loading up, aiming at the target. He shoots slower than Caveira. He’s a patient person, but more importantly he wants to win as well. He knows that slowing down the fire rate can significantly decrease the recoil, which will help him aim better.

Once he’s done, Dokkaebi claps with a smile as she walks up to Castle. “Good job. 20 out of 21.” Dokkaebi says, “but that’s still not enough.”

Castle smiles back and says, “give us a show then.”

Smile fades away on her face, as she tries to be serious now. 

“That’s good, Miles.” Pulse says in a quiet voice, pinching his friend’s arm as Castle stands back to him, “didn’t know you’re good at marksman rifle.”

Castle smiles meaningfully, but he doesn’t say anything back.

Dokkaebi pulls the trigger, while she feels the gun kicking back a bit but she’s used to it. Semi Automatic rifle is what she’s good at, not to mention her MK 14 EBR, which is her main weapon, belongs to the collection of marksman rifles. She shoots faster but hands steady. She knows this rifle so well that she knows she can hit the target even without eyes opened.

21 out of 21. As she predicts, she puts down the rifle proudly and looks at Castle with a grin. “Can’t never beat the master.” Dokkaebi tilts her head back.

Castle lets out a laugh. Then he turns to Pulse, says, “It’s your turn now. Just hits at least 18, we will win.” He then lowers his voice and whispers to his friend’s ear, “Gotta impress Yumiko. You can do it.”

Pulse feels a string of pressure that makes his heart beat faster and his palms start to sweat slowly.  _ Alright, I can do it. _ Pulse tells himself in his head.

Pulse is not the stressed type when he’s on the mission, but now he has to impress a lady, which is not something he’s good at. If someone has his heartbeat sensor pointing at him, his gadget will beep fastly.

When he’s loading the rifle up, he suddenly feels someone’s staring at him from behind. His body senses the hot glares, as the goosebumps appear on his neck.  _ It must be Yumiko _ . He thinks as he feels even more nervous. Little does he know the stare is coming from his dear friend, Castle. He swallows his neverness down to his throat, taking a deep breath, and he locks his eyes on the target.

He’s been doing good until his mind gets distracted by the feeling of being stared at. He knows he fucks up when his hands start to shake slightly. 

“Aww.” Dokkaebi leaves out a fake pity sound, as she announces the result, “only 15. Guess yall boys can go home now.”

Pulse peeks at Hibana as he walks away, but He’s not very frustrated. He has a feeling that Hibana may actually like him, otherwise she won’t stare at him with… eagerness which is so strong that his body can sense the enthusiasm in it. 

“Was she looking at me?” Pulse asks Castle quietly.

“Huh...maybe yeah, I think?” Castle hesitates for a second then lies. He’s not sure if anyone was staring at Pulse, but one thing that he’s sure with is he has. He can’t move his eyes away from the tall man for any second.

Pulse’s eyes twinkles. Castle purses his lips then he asks, “Were you nervous because you thought she was looking at you?”

“Hehe, maybe.”Pulse scratches the back of his head and gives his friend a shy smile.

“You’re such a boy, Jack.” Castle forces out a dry laugh as he pets the other man’s shoulder.

Pulse blushes lightly. Then he stutters, “Um.. y-you think it’d be a good idea to tell her tonight? I have a good um-m good feeling about it.”

Castle is stunned by those words from Pulse’s mouth. He then wants to say something but a shouting interrupts him.

“Hey,losers! Mind join us for drinks later tonight?” Dokkaebi waves her arm to them with a big smile on her face.

Pulse is not going to say no, but Castle wants to reject the invitation. He is not going to watch his dear friend confess his feelings to another woman while he sits there with his heart broken into pieces. However, as a caring friend, he’s already signed up for this since the day he agrees to help Pulse with his “crush issue”. He should've seen this coming.

As presumed, Castle goes to the pub with Pulse. They have planned to meet up with those girls at the pub. 

Under the warm streetlight, Castle can see his friend is nervous. Pulse’s face is stiff. Castle sighs lightly, and he says, “it’s going to be ok. Success or not, you still-” Then Castle pauses. He almost says those words out loud. The word that he shouldn’t say; the word that he should never say.  _ You still have me _ . Castle’s heart twists as a muscle in his jaw twitches. “Still have plenty of fish in the sea.”Castle slightly bows his head, finishing the sentence.

“You know, Miles, I really want to have someone to be my side.” Pulse says as he draws in a long breath, “When I was a kid, my family moved from bases to bases. I’m always the kid who’s new in the town. I really want to have someone-” 

Pulse suddenly stops talking. He slows his paces and turns his vision to glazed Castle. He looks into Castle’s eyes with a soft but gloomy face. Castle feels his heart skips a beat as he’s deeply sunk into Pulse’s dark brown eyes. _ I will! I will be that person. _ Castle screams devastatingly inside his head as he tries to stay calm. Maybe Pulse has finally realized there’s already here for him. Maybe this time Castle gets lucky.

“-someone like you who’s always caring about me. But you know, a girlfriend.” 

Not so lucky this time. The following words crashes louder than the explosions in the quarry, that annihilates his tiny hope as easy as wet fingers on a candle flame. He inhales sharply, trying so hard to not to break his role - a friend.

“You will. You’re a good man who deserves to have a beautiful family.” Castle puts his emotion behind as he gently comforts his friend.

Then they stay in dull silence while they’re walking towards the pub, drowning in their own mind, battling their own struggles.

  
  


The confession is a total failure.

“Jack...” Hibana lower her voice and she gaps. She’s still in shock from what she hears from his friend.

Pulse cringes as he continues, “Look, Yumiko, I’m just saying that..um..that I like you. Maybe, you want to go on a date with me?” He feels his heart beating at a fast pace as he waits for the response.

Hibana gasps, then she looks at Pulse’s eyes with a soft smile. “I’m sorry, Jack.” As she spills those apologetic words, she sees Pulse’s face darkens a bit. Then she sighs heavily, says, “I always think you’re like a brother to me. Plus… I’m seeing someone already.”

Once Pulse hears the word “sorry” coming from the Japanese woman’s mouth, he’s already lost interest in the rest of her words. He feels a sense of defeat pounding inside his heart.

“So she’s dating someone else?” Castle’s words pulls Pulse back to reality.

“I guess so.” Pulse forces a smile, eyes locking on the glass cup with brown liquor.

Castle gives his doleful friend a once-over, and then he says,“Don’t worry, man. You will meet someone else.”

“I guess so.” Pulse lazily lifts his shoulder in a half shrug, as he chugs down the drinks in his cup.

Seeing his friend being like this makes Castle’s stomach clench, though Castle can’t deny he has a guilty pleasure for knowing Hibana is not an option for his friend.

“Another round?” Pulse’s face contorts as he asks Castle.

Castle’s eyes narrows, and then he stops his friend from calling the Bartender. “Wait, I have an idea that is better than getting drunk.” Castle says as a corner of his mouth lifts.


	3. Vocation mode

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The more I write about them, the more I‘m in love them. As I said, the thing between them is gonna be slow but some physical interaction is ok, right ;)
> 
> Thank @mirrorworldangel for motivating me so much!!!

  
  


Pulse still doubts if this is a good idea, but Castle gives him a thumbs up trying to tell him everything will be fine. That does not work at all, but it’s too late to regret as Pulse hears the engine roaring louder and louder.

And then the flight takes off.

Castle suggested that Pulse should go for a vacation to get his mind right that night. Pulse thought he was joking but the next day Castle walking in his dorm with 2 flight tickets made him speechless. 

Thermite was freaking out about their sudden trip, though Castle patiently told him that they’d be back in 5 days. “I should ask that old geezer to go for a vacation with me.” After all Thermite was jealous they got to have vacation. “Well if you can save up your annual leave like us.” Castle snorted.

Now leaves Pulse with no choice but to go to this island that Castle chooses. It’s a small island on the south side of Cambodia. Castle is babbling about how beautiful that place is as if he’s been there already.

“You’ve been there?” Pulse asks.

“No, but those pictures on the Internet persuades me already.” Castle says confidently.

Pulse rolls his eyes to his friend. 

“Don’t be like the British old geezer.” Castle laughs as he mocks the accent, “Fockin Internet!”

Pulse bursts out a laugh. “No, no, that’s wrong. It’s supposed to be like ....” Pulse’s face brightens up as he tries to correct his friend’s accent.

It takes about 11 hours to fly to Cambodia. Pulse sleeps soundly during the whole flight with his friend by his side. It’s Castle who wakes him up from sleep when the flight is landing.

“We here already?” Pulse rubs his sleepy eyes and yawns as he asks.

“Yeah, safe and sound.” Castle beams at the sleepy operator.

However the trip doesn’t end there. After they get out of the airport, they still need to catch a ferry at the port. 

“I’m excited I swear!” Pulse’s whole face lights up as his eyes wander around. It’s a small port that contains mostly local people. Occasionally, some tourists can be seen here. 

Castle chuckles as he keeps rubbing the back of his neck.

“What’s wrong with your neck?” Pulse asks curiously.

“The long flight, dude.” Castle complains.

“Well it wasn’t bad for me.” Pulse gives him a cheeky smile as he shrugs.

Castle hums. _ Of course, it’s because you were sleeping on my shoulder and I didn’t dare to move at all. _ Castle thinks scornfully.

When they arrive at the island, their jaws both drop. It’s a sunny afternoon that makes the beach be at its most beautiful moment. Pulse steps out the ferry, his eyes moving from sand to stone, from rock pool to break waves. In the warm spring sunshine he feels like he’s floating in the briny aroma, as if the new rays of the day brings a frisson of energy to his heart. The sand is softly white as the waves roll in white tipped spreading themselves like fine lace over the beach after they crash in their soft way. The water is clear as pale green bottle-glass where the grey rocks hug the shore cozily.

While Pulse is gawking by this breath-taking beach, Castle has to drag him to the resort where they’re staying. The resort is small yet lovely. The front desk and restaurant is in a wooden Bungalow that is right on the beach. Behind it there are several small one-story bungalows, Pulse and Castle are led to the one that’s the closest to the sea - only steps away from sea.

“You don’t mind we share a bed, right?” Castle clears his throat and asks.

“It’s absolutely fine, Miles.” Pulse still can’t move his eyes from the beach as he responds excitedly, “I don’t care, Miles. This is...FANTASTIC!”

Castle’s mouth curves into a smile as he hears his friend’s words. He’s not only happy to spend his vacation here, but what thrills him more is that he gets to spend some private time with his loved one. As he thinks, Pulse has already dropped his backpack in the bungalow and run towards the sea with only his shorts. With his bare feet, he takes a step into the warm and clear water. The waves crash in and over his knees, slowly soaking his shorts.

Pulse turns around and waves to Castle with a broad smile on his face. Under the blinding sun, Castle sees the man in the water glowing. His skin resembled that of smooth rose gold and Castle longed to touch it, run a hand over his slender arm. The beads of water on him reflects the golden light that gives her skin a gentle hue. 

Right now, Castle wishes he will never forget this moment as his eyes catch every detail and every movement his dear friend makes. He almost forgets to breathe, as the breeze blowing from the tide and the smell of salty ocean flicking his heart gently. This’s a place for dreaming, for allowing time to move fast and slow. This is like his dream.

  
  


***

  
  


The sun has slowly sunken under the edge of the ocean. Without the source of warmth, the blowing wind gives Pulse a sense of chilling as he shivers. Castle throws a dry towel over him and says, “here you go.”

“Thanks.” Pulse nods and shows his friend a grateful smile.

Pulse walks out the water feeling his stomach is rumbling. “Is the restaurant open?” Pulse asks.

“Yeah, I think so.” Castle gazes after the streams of light hung upon the open bungalow, “let’s go then.”

The host greets them in heavy-accent English. As they sit down, the host starts to introduce himself, “Good evening. My name is Kuh, I’m the manager here. But you can see at this time we don’t have many people coming to visit, so the menu is limited. There are some dishes unavailable this week, but I highly recommend the red snapper. Our fish is freshly caught everyday.”

“That’s fine.” Castle gives Kuh a understanding smile, “I’ll have the red snapper.”

“Same. Oh, and beer please.” Pulse follows.

“Great!” The manager nods at them and then takes the menu with him and leaves the other two alone.

Pulse looks at smiling Castle for a second, then he says, “Thank you, Miles.”

“No need for that!” Castle laughs softly, “I wouldn’t want to see you suffer at the base. Not gonna lie, you’re like a boy when it comes to personal relationships.”

Pulse humphs, “Yeah right. Like you’re a professional. I’ve never seen you with any girls yet.” And that’s true. Castle has never been seen with any girls together in a romantic way. He doesn’t talk about his love life, and moreover he doesn’t even talk about girls.

_ Well, I’m gay _ . Castle answers in his mind, but he will never choose to spill it out. The fear of being found out about his secret is buried deeply in his heart. As a black male in his community, homosexual is a taboo thing. His people are more fond of “toxic masculinity”, though California is more open-minded compared to other states, but he still keeps his preference to himself. “It’s just I haven’t met the one.” Castle says calmly.

The manager brings 2 bottles of beer to them when Pulse is about to say something.

“Thanks.” Pulse nods to the manager then turns his vision to Castle. “We’ve known each other for more than 4 years and yet I never saw you flirt with a girl.” Pulse lifts the corner of his mouth, says, “Either you’re a fucking monk, or, you’re gay.”

Castle lets out amused laughter, his body shaking with it. “Do I look gay to you?” Castle laughs, “Are you serious? ”

Pulse narrows his eyes in suspicion then says, “Huh, not really. But stereotypes are the worst way to figure someone out.”

Castle sips his beer from the bottle, then holds his head with another hand, genuinely asks,“What are you tryna say?” He looks at the other man interestedly, like he’s a student who’s learning something new from his teacher.

“What I’m saying is, don’t you want to have a normal life?” Puls rolls his eyes with a sigh out of his mouth.

“Well, define  _ normal _ .” Castle chuckles.

Pulse shrugs and explains,“I don’t know. Have a family?”

“I do have a family, Jack. My parents are still-”

“I mean getting married, having kids, watching them grow up, and- ”

“And die.” Castle cuts the other man's words sharply.

“That’s not what I mean, but yeah, we’re all gonna die at one point. The thing is that you’ll have beautiful experiences and memories left.”

Castle laughs with crossing arms, “We’re not the same, Jack. Yeah, having a family is nice, and I’d love to do that with someone I love. But I’m not rushing it. I don’t want to do that just so I can have a so-called family. All good things come to those who wait.”

“Well.. that is true.” Pulse feels defeated, because he fails to find a word to argue back.

Castle sees his friend’s defeated frustration, he can’t help to say, “Plus, I am having a family here. You, Jordan, Eliza, and everyone in Rainbow belongs to this family. We may not share the same bloodline, but we bond like we’re a family.”

Pulse feels his eyes turning a bit watery as his friend’s words slips into his heart. He looks blissfully at the big man in front of him with a tiny blush on his cheeks. He feels loved like when he was a child how his mother would hug him with all her love, and right now that’s Castle who hugs him with his caring words.

It would be a lie to say Pulse doesn’t consider Rainbow as his family, but he’s so trapped in the cage of keening something that he thought would solve his problem - loneliness, that he totally ignored what he already have had the whole time. His stubbornness tells him that he’s a girlfriend or wife to make him less lonely, but in fact he’s blinded by it. All this time, what he has been looking for is a sense of being loved by someone, which he already has since the day he joins Rainbow. He’s not lonely after all, as his teammates or friends will protect him with their own lives. Sometimes what you want is right in front of you, and all you need to do is open your eyes and see it.

Pulse secretly wipes the wetness from the corner of his eyes, but it doesn’t escape from Castle’s eyes. Castle jokes, “Now I make our jackie boy cry, aww.”

“Shut up.” Pulse chuckles lightly, “and.. Thank you, for real, Miles. You always make me feel better, I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Castle’s heart melts a bit like a soft butter that is infused with honey, sweet and soft. He sits up as he tries to ignore the butterfly in his stomach. Castle clears his throat, “That’s why Grace calls me Papabear I guess.”

  
  


***

After the dinner. They stay at the bar for more drinks and delightful conversations until Castle feels his neck and shoulder is incredibly sour, and he suggests they should go back and get some sleep.

“I don’t know. I’m not very tired.” Pulse says.

“Yeah of course, you slept like a baby on the flight.” Castle steps in their bungalow, having urge to just lay on the bed and sleep but he has to take a shower first. 

Pulse looks at the king-size bed and he says, “this reminds me of the old days when we had to share one bed during the mission.”

“At least this time this bed is big enough for the two of us.” Castle remembers how they would curl up in one tiny bunk bed during the mission. When they were recruits, missions were not easy for them. It’s common sometimes recruits have to share a bed with others. And at that time, Castle had indescribable physical keenness for Pulse, as his feelings slowly developed to another level.

After the shower, Castle falls asleep right away once his head hits the soft pillow. Pulse turns off the light, though he’s not sleepy at all; but he doesn’t want the light to bother his friend. 

Castle buries half of his face into the pillow, snorting lightly. Pulse lays right next to him, arms touching the other man’s chest. He is so used to physical contacts with Castle that he doesn’t even feel weird that his friend is sleeping half-naked with him.Then he lays his sight to the sleeping man with a smile that he doesn’t even notice it’s spreading upon his face. They used to sleep together like a couple because they had to due the size of the bed. Although now Pulse can choose to leave some space between them, he gets closer to his friend. He finds himself a comfortable position, and lays his neck on his friend’s arm. Castle groans in an uncomfortable sound that makes Pulse almost move away. Thinking maybe Castle will push him away but instead Castle puts another arm around Pulse’s waist and wraps him on his chest tightly. The hairy chest touches Pulse’s silky back, as Pulse feels his face heats up a bit. Innocent Pulse never thinks the other way about his friend, while he truly believes this is not weird because they are close friends. Moreover, Pulse can’t say that he doesn’t like this; with the strong and heavy arms cuddling him, he indeed feels safe and secure.

Waves crushing softly on the beach with the moonlight spraying quietly through the windows upon Pulse’s face, he thinks he’s never been this relaxed. It’s the early summer that the night is still a bit chilly. But with the hot breath behind his neck, Pulse’s warm and peaceful. The soothing feeling flows through his vein from his head to toe. It’s unknown to Pulse when he falls asleep, but all he knows is he likes every tiny moment that night.

  
  



	4. Vacation mode: day 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's get physical, physical, physical

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I hope yall like this one! Please bear with my grammar <3

Castle wakes up when the bright sunlight hits his face. He grunts as he tries to pull up the blanket to cover his eyes, but then he realizes there’s some heavy weight on his chest. He lifts his dry eyes trying to see what is going on.

It’s Pulse who’s sleeping soundly upon his chest. Pulse’s head is lying on his chest, while his arms are wrapping around Castle’s waist. Castle can see the other man’s peaceful face, while their bodies share each other’s heat. A soft breeze creeps under their blanket, making sleeping Pulse shivers unconsciously. Castle puts his hand on the back of Pulse’s neck with a little touch of warmth and softness. He can’t help but rub the soft skin on the other man’s neck, feeling the physical touch makes him want to scoop the man up and give him a kiss of his own, but Castle knows that will never do. Against the golden light, Pulse’s skin is beautiful, though it’s not flawless since he has a certain amount of scars; but this is what makes him Jack “Pulse” Estrada, an experienced and respectful agent with boyish enthusiasm and endless curiosity to the world. There’s this purity in Pulse, or naivety perhaps, but he’s the only flower in the meadow for Castle’s eyes.

Pulse’s chests rising and falling against his stomach, their breaths in unison, and the warm blood that they could feel in each others' embrace makes Castle almost lose his control. 

This is the hardest morning wood that Castle has ever had. 

_ Fuck _ . Castle breathes heavily. His fingers slide down to Pulse’s back. With just the right hint of passion, his fingers draws wildly but lightly upon Pulse’s bare back. The hand eventually stops at the edge of Pulse’s shorts. His mind is telling him to stop but his heart is begging him to continue. 

_ Isn’t this what I want _ ?

_ I’m just going to ruin everything that I had built if I don’t stop now. _

Castle feels breathless as the air just disappears around him. All of sudden, something snaps inside his mind. As holding a hot iron, Castle pushes Pulse away panicky and jumps out of the bed. He excuses himself to the bathroom like a defeated soldier on the battlefield who’s running for his life. 

“Uhh..what the hell?” Losing his cuddle bear, Pulse groans in complaints. He rubs his dry eyes and looks at the empty space on the bed confusingly. 

“Miles?!” Pulse stretches his body as he shouts the name of his friend who has just disappeared from the bed.

“Give me a minute!” A voice comes out from the bathroom.

In the bathroom, cold water rinsing down Castle’s hot and shaken body. He can feel it, building like an unstoppable snowball in the pit of his stomach. In the grip of silent panic, wild eyes, heart racing, brain on fire, adrenaline levels rise.  _ That’s too close _ . Castle can’t stop his brain from firing out negative thoughts like a machine gun.  _ If he finds out I won’t even have a chance to be his friend anymore. _ He stares at his fingers that have touched what he’s been keen for, but his desire to touch is gone, leaving no trace it was ever there. Now he is only filled with fear and panicking. 

  
  


***

  
  


It’s Pulse’s idea to go snorkeling.

Pulse sees his friend is oddly quiet this morning. And he figures some exciting activities can cheer his friend up a bit at least. The resort manager, Kuh, agrees to take them to the other side of the island with his boat, where they will better visibility underwater. 

“Sea turtles? We will be able to see that?” Pulse screams in excitement like a boy.

Kuh nods with a smile and says, “And endless coral with all kinds of fish.”

“You hear that, Miles? We get t-” Pulse turns around trying to talk to Castle, but he only sees Castle staring at the island blankly.

Pulse frowns, then he puts his hand on his friend’s shoulder, and asks, “what’s wrong?”

Castle blinks twice, then he turns around giving the other a weak smile, “nothing, I was just thinking.”

“About what? I’m worried now.”

Castle looks back to the island, trying to find an excuse. Then his eyes catch something that may help him to get out of Pulse's “interrogation”. “I’m just thinking, maybe we can go check that out before we go snorkeling.”

Pulse looks at the direction that Castle is pointing at. There’s a sacred stoned building standing among the jungle. 

“That's the temple of Manimekhala.” Kuh joins their conversation. “We believe she’s the guardian of the sea. She protects us from shipwreck. Every year we have a big festival just to celebrate the blessing from her. Do you want to go check it out before snorkeling? It won’t take long.”

“Sounds good to me.” Castle is indeed interested in it now. He’s a man of culture who loves exploring the world.

Parking the boat at the shallow shoal, they start their journey in the jungle.

It doesn’t take them long to arrive at the temple. It’s old, as Castle can tell. From distance, the temple looks like a colossal mass of stone, but if you get closer, you can see some elevated chambers and towers. All of them are located on 2 seperate levels, and connected with stairways and covered galleries. The tower in the center is as tall as around 60 feet, surrounded by lower towers that are decorated with the ornament of lotuses. The hallmark of this temple is the curved sloping roof of galleries and chambers that tells a history of the greatest days of this island. 

Castle is mesmerized by this ancient temple. There’s a feeling of admiration coming from his chest. He’s seen fancier architects; he’s been told gracious stories about the mysterial Asian culture, but it’s all different when he’s actually standing in front of one.

“Hold old is this?” Pulse asks as he can’t even move his eyes from the building.

“We don’t know. Some say it’s been thousands of years, and some say it’s even older than that.” Kuh explains. “My grandparents told me it’s already here since the beginning.”

“Like Angkor Wat? A civilization that vanished ages ago?” Castle asks. He has had the chance to watch a couple of documentaries about the mysterial history of one of the most famous temples in the world, Angkor Wat in Cambodia.

“Maybe.” Kuh says. “But this one never gets that much attention like Angkor Wat, so nobody really does research about it.”

“And that’s good. A sacred temple needs its silence to bring peace to the god and spirit.” Pulse says. Then he turns around and asks Kuh, “is it ok we go in?”

Kuh shakes his head, “Sorry, we’re not allowed to go in unless it’s certain days. But you can pray outside. Oh and also!” He suddenly remembers something, he walks to the little clay pot that is barely noticeable by a huge rock. He takes something out of it and gives them to Castle and Pulse.

It looks like the lucky charm they have back in the base, instead it’s a wooden one with sea waves carved on it. It’s simple but somehow you can feel the blessing from it. It’s the type of spiritual power.

“May the wave bless you.” Kuh smiles and bows down with his hands clapping together upon his chest.

“Thank you.” Pulse and Castle bow down like Kuh does.

“I can take pictures for you, if you want.” Kuh suggests.

“That’d be great!” Pulse hands his phone to the manager and drags Castle next to him. Then he puts his arm on Castle’s shoulder. Castle hesitates for a moment, but then Castle still decides to put his arm around the other man’s waist. Pulse embraces a big smile on his face, as Castle feels his heart shaking for the warmth from his friend’s body.

Like all of sudden, all the doubtful thoughts that are bothering him earlier have gone now. Pulse is always the one that can shine through his rain, making those dull clouds move away. Funny how Pulse is the one always thanks him for making him feel better, but he doesn’t know how he has brightened Castle’s life in so many ways. Feeling lively, Castle gives the camera a shiny smile.

With a click, this memory breaks down to every digital data into the phone. This is the memory they will never forget in the future.

  
  


***

  
  


They still go snorkeling in the late afternoon, when the sun is at its hottest time. 

Pulse loves the feeling in the water. The feeling of being free is as intoxicating as if he’s swimming in vodka. He can move in any direction or even just stop and float a while. Yet it is not clear like the liquor, it’s blue like the perfect sky. And it’s lovely, deep down under the water, like being on a different planet. The water is clear, and schools of bright-hued colorful fish and strange sea flowers decorate the sandy floor. 

In the white beam of sunlight the coral is dusty pink with cream nodules. Pulse swims closer, and he can see a couple of seahorses dancing around the lively coral. Their angled heads and tubular mouths bob in the current, their transparents fins fluttering in waving motions. He should be moving on now, as he is feeling a bit short of air in his lung, but something keeps him lingering. He sees Castle swims ahead of him, looking down at the coral. There’s an idea of him deciding to prank his friend. He swims swiftly to his friend then pulls his friend’s legs suddenly. The sudden force makes Castle flustered for a moment, and it’s too late for him finally realizing what it’s going on. Pulse grabs Castle’s shoulders with his arms, then a kick to the water makes him jump up enough to sit on Castle’s back.

Like riding a horse, Pulse sits on Castle’s back, smiling evilly with his arms flapping around comically. When he thinks this is his victory, Castle kicks the water trying to turn around. His body spins, face to face, and now Pulse is sitting on his stomach instead of his back. The sudden movement makes Pulse lose his balance; as he’s about to fall off Castle’s body, a strong arm pulls him into the wide and hairy chest.

Castle smirks, holding the panicking white man tightly upon his chest. With another kick, Castle brings both of them out of the water.

“You like your prank?” Castle’s leering eyes on the man in his arms, who is trying to catch a breath.

“Don’t know you’re good at swimming.” Pulse breathes quickly like a fish who’s trapped on the land, as his face is all red for lack of air.

“That’s racist haha!” Castle jokingly laughs, and squeezes the man in front of him even tighter.

Clearly knowing that’s joke, Pulse bites back with words, “and this is gay!” Noticing the situation that he’s in, he almost can feel the other man’s heartbeat through his chest.

Seeing this man being such a childish boy makes Castle even want to tease him more. Without care, he grabs one of Pulse’s legs to his waist. Losing the ability to stay above the water, Pulse has no choice but wraps his other leg around Castle’s waist and locks his arms upon his neck. “Is this gay too?” Castle glances at pink Pulse with a wolfish grin.

Is this too much? Does he step over the boundary? Castle knows it is and he does, but right now he’s all in his playful mood, and none of those doubts can tackle him down. Plus, Pulse is the one who starts all this, right? He’s the one who always challenges Castle’s patience; he’s the one who has no idea that he’s walking on the thin ice.

Pulse fidgets with breath holding, a deep pink dispersing upon his face. He doesn’t know what to do or answer. This is the type of Castle he doesn’t see much. His dear friend is either calm and gentle or thoughtful and silent. He barely sees he acts like this, like Castle’s a dominating wolf who teases Pulse who is just a little sheep in his arm. Pulse feels his heart beating so fast that it almost bursts out his chest. 

“I-” Pulse is trying to say something but he fails to find the right word at this moment. He’s a complete trainwreck right now, as he knows Castle’s alluring dark brown eyes are set upon him. For a minute, Pulse is sunken into those dark eyes, a weird feeling rises from his heart. _ Isn't it weird that he has a desire to kiss his friend? _ Pulse bites his lower lips as his own private thoughts make him blush.  _ That’s impossible _ . But he doesn’t even want to get away from this man, he even wants something more. A heart-aching conflict confuses Pulse so much at this moment. 

“What is it, Jack?” Castle’s breath is messy now. He sees his friend looking at him with confusion and some mysterial desires. And it’s the kind of desire he knows the most, because he feels the same way every time he gets close to Pulse. Right now, he has an unstoppable urge to crush his lips on another’s. The mutual desiration arousing them makes him want to risk it, risking everything that he has built just to taste the other’s lips. 

And he almost does it. 

Almost. Until someone interrupts his action.

“Hey, guys! It’s getting late, we should go back now!” Shouts Kuh, who has no idea he interrupts something that is about to be spicy, as two friends let each other go immediately.

The journey back home is unsettling awkward. None of them talk to each other, yet even refuse to look at each other. The only person who’s quite delightful is Kuh who’s humming to some local tunes as he drives the boat back to the resort.

Back to their bungalow, they sit in silence pretending there’s nothing awkward between them. As Castle is pretending to read a book, Pulse is busy with his phone. They both sit on the bed, but there’s a significant space between them.

Pulse looks at the message he just received, not sure how to reply.

**Jordan 21:47:52**

_ Heyy, how’s the honeymoon? *wink* _

**Jack 21:52:06**

_ I’ll blow your face with my shotgun if you say that word again _

**Jordan 21:52:50**

_ Aww, why is our Jackie boy grumpy? _

**Jack 21:53:36**

_ I’m not _

**Jordan 21:55:17**

_ Yeah right. Like I believe you _

**Jack 21:56:07**

_ What do you want? _

**Jordan 22:01:05**

_ Nothing! Just checking my beloved friends. How’s Miles? He’s not replying. _

Pulse peeks at the man sitting on the other side of the bed reading a book. Then he moves his thumbs quickly on the screen.

**Jack 22:02:10**

_ He’s busy reading. Why?  _

**Jordan 22:20:05**

_ Sorry, got caught up with my baby Mike. You won’t believe how clingy he is! _

Jack rolls his eyes.

**Jack 22:21:05**

_ You mean you? _

**Jordan 22:22:38**

_ Wow, I’m offended. And you’re clingy to our papabear too, ok?? _

Pulse’s body shakes once he sees that message. _ Am I _ ? Pulse frowns.  _ Of course not! _ Pulse throws his phone on the nightstand, making a big noise.

Castle turns his head to the grumpy man, and asks, “what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Pulse doesn't even dare to look at his friend. He throws himself under the blanket, mumbles, “I’m just tired.” 

“Are you mad because what happened early?” Castle is not afraid to poke the thin layer between them.

“...”

“It’s a joke.” Castle says calmly, then he has to make him sound like he’s joking. Though deep down he knows at least he’s serious; all those feelings and desiration are not jokes.

“It’s not funny!” Pulse sits up and shouts to Castle. His face is bloody red, “I’m not gay!”

“Fine. I’m sorry.” Castle close his book, staring at Pulse sincerely. “I won’t do it again. I guess the joke is too much for you.”

Being stared at by those sparkling eyes, Pulse only feels his face is burning. “It’s whatever.” Pulse lies back down and puts the blanket over his head. 

Castle’s eyes are still locked at him, but now they have been dispersed by despondent mist. The nausea swirls unrestrained in his empty stomach, and his head swims with half-formed regrets. What’s in God’s name that he thinks it’s worthy to risk everything he has had with Pulse? He blames himself. He should blame the uncontrollable desire, which is what love makes you have.

Hearing the switch of light being turned, feeling the other side of bed sinks, Pulse holds his breath as he knows Castle has laid down on the bed. His heart beating fast, Pulse doesn’t know what is going on with him. He’s sure he is not gay, and it’s wrong to have this kind of feeling towards his friend. But he can’t get rid of those vague feelings he has in a certain way this afternoon. He lets out a light sigh.  _ This is so wrong _ . 

It seems unfair to these two men sharing one bed but not their true feelings. But this is how humans work, avoiding the possible pain from revealing the truth until one day when it’s too late. In this sleepless night, a heavy silence settles over them, thicker than the uneasy tension in the atmosphere. Nothing can break this uncomfortable silence, even the wave can’t bring any peace to these men.


	5. Vacation mode: day 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thermite didn't mean to send that photo. Or he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much fun writing this chapter. I hope yall enjoy this chapter as I do <3

They have their breakfast separately, which is not really Castle’s intention but Pulse’s. Pulse gets out of the bed unusually early today. When he sees the tall black man walking towards the restaurant he’s sitting in, he abandons his unfinished food and leaves. Pulse is not sure why or what he’s afraid of, but his head pounds the alarm like the word is about to end whenever he sees his friend.

Castle glares at the fleeing man, a bitter smile spreading upon his face. Wondering what he has done to their friendship, the friendship that he works all his patience and senses to protect from his loving passion. It’s not supposed to be like this; they have had jokes like this before, but this time something apparently is bothering his friend.

Finishing his coffee, Castle decides to have a serious talk with his friend. He can’t bear that they have been distant to each other even just for one day. 

Pulse sits on the wet beach, feeling the warm water laps at his feet, fizzing and bubbling like brine. Even though the sun is beaming in his eyes, he’s still staring at the horizon. Pulse hates the weird tension between him and Castle, but he doesn't know how to talk to his friend no more. He just finds himself getting lost between those thoughts. 

“Hey, try this.” A deep voice pulls Pulse to reality. He glances over his shoulder, finding Castle standing behind him with 2 coconuts in his hands.

“...” Pulse takes the coconut, staring at the straw for a minute.

“You’re supposed to suck it. Looking at it is not going to make the juice come out magically.” Castle sits down and gives his stiff friend a smile, while he’s putting the straw in his mouth as he’s teaching a 2-year-old kid.

Pulse can’t help but let out a light chuckle. He shakes his head, then moving his vision back to the ocean. The perfectly calm ocean, like his mind right now, which is a result of his dear friend’s joke. Castle always knows how to make him relax and calm. “I’m sorry about last night. I was… overacting.” Pulse apologizes.

“It’s all good. And I’m sorry I stepped over the boundary.” Castle keeps his eyes on his friend.

“It’s really nothing. I don’t know what got in me.” Pulse explains.

“Jordan. The gay bastard.” Castle says with corners of his mouth lifted. “Let’s blame him. He’s so gay that makes everyone uncomfortable.”

“No, it;s no-”

“It’s a joke, Jack.” Castle comforts the man who’s all of sudden looks like he’s about to defend their friend. 

Pulse hums as he hides his embarrassment under his throat. 

“I think Jordan and Mike are really cute.” Castle says, with a tiny envy in his voice.

Pulse nods as he sucks a good amount of coconut juice from the straw, “they are. Not gonna lie, I was surprised that Jordan would actually end up with someone like Mike. I’m not saying Mike is not good enough for him, but they are so different.”

Castle laughs and says, “You’re really an amature when it comes to love, ain’t you? It’s common that people fall in love with others who have completely different personalities. They complete each other. Jordan is an adventurous person, while Mike is very cautious with everything, which makes them perfect. Mike can always prevent Jordan from danger, aka doing stupid shit, while Jordan can also paint more colors to Mike’s life. You know what I mean, grumpy, dull, old English man haha! ”

Pulse laughs out loud, almost choking on his drink. Then for a moment of peaceful silence, feeling the light breeze touching his face, Pulse asks.

“What about you, Miles? What’s your type?”

“My type?” Castle pauses for a second. “I like people with passion for everything. H-having plenty of energy. I like my partner to be lively.”

“Wow, I actually thought you’d like someone who’s more quiet or mature.” Pulse says as he starts to think, then he says, “if I put the pictures together, that’s like you like girls with young hearts..”

Castle glances up and down to the man sitting next to him for a second and nods, “yep. Pretty much.”  _ About right but not a girl. _

A comfortable silence rolls in with the wave. Then after Pulse finishing his coconut, he grins and turns his head Castle, asks, “you don’t wanna know my type?”

Castle nods with a smile, “ok, spill the tea.”

“Umm, I’d love to have someone who’s caring. I like feeling warm. Probably someone who doesn’t hate cuddling.” Pulse thinks as he’s trying to find the best words to describe.

“Interesting.” Castle mumbles while his eyes sparkle.

“Hehe.” Pulse lets out a silly laugh as he’s drowning in his own imagination of his future partner. “It’ll be better if she’s good at cooking.”

He knows how to cook. He loves cuddling with this man. He cares for this man with all his heart. But Castle is not his friend’s option, simply because he’s not a “she”. The simplest reason, but also the sharpest one. Castle rubs his face trying to shoosh these thoughts away. 

“You wanna go back and crack these bad boys open, so we can finish them completely?” Castle stands up, points at the coconut in his hand and suggests. A urge inside him makes him want to get out this topic as soon as possible,

“Sounds good to me!” Pulse stands up and follows his friend. And at this moment, Pulse feels his phone vibrating in his pocket, so he takes it out with one hand and checks what’s going on.

It’s Thermite who texts him.

**Jordan 10:23:09**

_ Wassup? I’m bored. _

Typing with one hand is kind of hard since he’s holding his coconut on the other hand, but Pulse still manages to text back.

**Jack 10:23:46**

_ Doing something better than being trapped in the base. _

**Jordan 10:24:33**

_ I fucking hate you _

**Jack 10: 25:02**

_ :) _

Pulse looks up and finds Castle is talking to the manager who’s happy to help them open these coconuts. 

Castle feels the other man’s glaze, so he looks back at him with an unusually shy smile. “I’m trying to learn how to open a coconut.” says Castle who’s now holding a big knife that is put against the coconut.

Pulse interestly looks at him, wondering how he’s going to do that.

“Yeah, just hit where you put the straws in. Don’t use too much force, but not too light either.” Kuh is trying to instruct Castle, “hold your knife like this, yeah, that’s right. Go ahead and do it.”

As Castle inhales deeply before he actually hits the coconut, Pulse opens his camera on his phone ponting at slightly nervous Castle. 

Click. The phone starts recording at the moment Castle lifts his knife.

Bang! The noise is so loud that it makes Pulse jump a bit. The coconut breaks into many pieces, and the leftover juice and meat splashes everywhere including Castle’s face. Pieces jump over the table - the coconut is smashed. 

“Told you not to hit it too hard.” Kuh has his palm on his face, sighs lightly.

“I did!” Castle explains embarrassingly, a light pink flushes on his cheeks while Pulse is shaking with laughter.

“I’ll do the next one.” Kuh suggests as he doesn’t want Castle to waste another one.

“No, please. I’ll do it better this time!” Castle holds his knife behind his back, like a kid who’s scared someone would take his candies away.

Pulse barely sees Castle act like a kid.  _ And it’s adorable _ . He thinks.

“Fine, you can do it, ok?” Kuh has no choice but to let his customer do whatever he wants.

Castle puts another coconut on the table, then he pauses for a second. He puts down the knife and takes his shirt off.

Pulse inhales sharply as he sees his friend’s bare chest. It is not the first time he sees Castle half naked, but those puff chest reminds him what it feels like when he’s wrapped tight against it. Like what happened on the water yesterday. Pulse feels his face heats up, as he holds his phone up and takes a photo of it quickly. 

“Ok, I’m ready.” Castle mumbles to himself as he holds his knife high.

This time. A less loud bang occurs, coconut breaks into 3 pieces, but the meat and juice still fly to Castle’s face and body. Castle lets out a defeated sigh while he’s staring at his not-so-good achievement.

A hand grabs a piece from the table. Castle looks up and finds it’s Pulse who’s trying to eat the coconut meat from it.

“You did well.” Pulse says with a full mouth of coconut. 

“Thanks.” Castle smiles softly and then he grabs a piece from the table.

“Wait.” Pulse stops the man who’s about to eat. Castle lifts his eye with confusion. Then he sees Pulse reaches his chest with one hand, a finger gently wipes upon his left chest. 

“You got some there.” Pulse says as he shows Castle the coconut meat upon his finger.

If the touch makes Castle shiver, what happens next is going to make Castle probably lose his control again. Pulse’s red tongue sticks out his mouth, then quickly licks the cream white thing on his finger. The tip of the tongue lingers around his finger as he tryna licks the juice left on it.

Castle sucks the air in sharply, his eyes widen. The blood rushing down to his body, his brain explodes as he sees everything in slow motion. Every cell in his body now is shaking with passionate thirst, as he feels his throat is dry like dessert. 

This is too much for him. At the edge of wanting to throw the man in front of him on the table and wreck him with his uncontrollable desires, Castle shovels those coconut meats inside his mouth trying to stop his thoughts arousing him.

“Damn, chill out.” Innocent Pulse has no idea he’s second close to the “ _ danger _ ”, and it’s probably better to let him stay unknown.

  
  


***

  
  


Night is deep now. Pulse is busy with his phone again, while Castle is surprisingly on his phone as well.

**Jordan 23:17:15**

_ Send pics pleeeeeeeease. What’s like there?? _

**Jack 23:17: 35**

_ Ok, give me a second _

**Jordan 23:18:10**

_ Why? Got some naked pics there? ;) _

Pulse sighs as he reads the last messages sent from his friend. Thermite is always joking around with those unfunny jokes, though he’s not wrong. Pulse do have a photo of half-naked Castle from earlier in his phone. Pulse goes in his photo album and starts to select pictures to send to Thermite. Then his finger stops as his eyes lock upon  _ that _ photo. In it, with arms held high, Castle’s whole body is intense like he’s about to smash something on the table (and he did). The muscle on his upper body is impressively beautiful. His shoulder is broad and ripped. And the man is built like a wild animal, his chest muscles bulging and his biceps balls of strength. The sweat makes his skin as wet as if he’s just pulled himself from a pool. 

Pulse gasps lightly, finding himself so deeply attracted to this photo that he can’t even think of something else right now. 

“Are you alright? Your face is red.” Castle’s voice cuts Pulse’s thoughts.

Pulse almost jumps out the bed and throws his phone away.“huh? W-what?” As he says his phone slips out his sweaty palms. But he catches the phone right away. “It’s nothing. Don’t worry.” He turns his eyes to the phone, answers weakly.

Castle lets out an interesting huff, but then he doesn’t say anything.

Pulse looks at his phone then his eyes widen. He accidently sends that photo to Thermite! It must be because he presses the button by accident when he’s trying to catch his falling phone.

His phone vibrates as he’s so dumbstruck for what he does.

**Jordan 23:25:27**

_ Wow, papabear has an amazing body! _

**Jordan 23:26:06**

[ 💦💦💦💦 ](https://emojipedia.org/sweat-droplets/)

**Jordan 23:26:40**

_ Jackie boy you’re so lucky to see this!! _

**Jordan 23:27:21**

_ I’m gonna show Eliza this!!! Get dat D babe!  _ [ _ 👀 _ ](https://emojipedia.org/eyes/)

Pulse’s face is red like the blood can drip from it. He’s flustered as he reads those messages from Thermite. He doesn’t mean to send that photo. Deep in heart, he knows he will never share that photo to anyone.

Ding.

A notification sound breaks the silence in the bungalow. Then it follows nonstopable “ding” from Castle’s phone. Castle raises his brow as he sees the number of messages from the group chat rises at an impressive speed.

“Nooo!” Pulse lets out a squealing, as he stares at his phone. Castle interestingly looks at Pulse and wonders. What is going on in their works-only group chat of Rainbow?

**ThermiteTheBest 23:31:15**

_ [2983.jpg] _

**ThermiteTheBest 23:31:50**

_ Opoosie. Didn’t mean to send that ;) _

**WHEREISMYACOG 23:32:27**

_ O M G _

**Blitz 23:33:10**

_ W T F _

**Blitz 23:33:29**

_ This is a work-only group chat! _

**FuckYouKaid 23:33:40**

_ die Klappe halten Elias! Let’s enjoy the view in peace for a sec! _

**Dokkaebae 23:34:02**

_ Is that our papabear trying to smash a coconut??? _

**WHEREISMYACOG 23:34:17**

_ I will sacrifice Dom to be the coconut right now! _

**WhatsInMyCanister 23:34:18**

_ So now we’re allowed to send naked pic to this chat? Hold on _

**FuckYouKaid 23:24:26**

_ WTF Marius?! I’m on my way to teach you a fucking lesson _

**Blitz 23:24:32**

_ Can yall stop? _

**SledgeTheHammer 23:24:36**

_ That’s some impressive muscle _

**IMLORD 23:24:52**

_ I agree _

**Ash**

_ Why did you send me this in private again? @ThermiteTheBest _

**MYDRONEDOESTHEWORK 23:25:02**

_ I like what I see _

**ThermiteTheBest 23:25:10**

_ Sorry I accidentally sent it here at first @Ash _

**RookTheBae 23:25:35**

👌👀

**Doc 23:26:00**

_ Someone stop this nonsense _

**Doc 23:26:15**

And Rook you’re too young for this!

**Dokkaebae 23:26:45**

Rook is literally 26, and papabear is not even full naked!

**RookTheBae 23:27:00**

_ Thanks queen _ 🥰

**HighIQ 23:27:10**

_ I’m having an heart attack now _

**MIRA 23:27:32**

_ I like my man like my mirror _

**WelcomeMatExpert 23:27:45**

_ Black _

**HighIQ 23:27:45**

_ Black _

**Dokkaebae 23:27:46**

_ Black _

**_HoldMyShield 23:27:55_ **

_ I never miss any BBC _

**HoldMyShield 23:27:57**

_ News _

**Doc 23:28:10**

_ Not you too, Monty….. _

**TheGodssValkyrie 23:28:53**

_ Ok guys, let’s do it again! _

**TheGodssValkyrie 23:29:12**

_ I like my man like my camera _

**TheBestInterragator 23:31:02**

_ It doesn’t work like that, Meg. Yours is called Black eye not black camera _

**TheGodssValkyrie 23:31:13**

😰😰😰

**Dokkaebae 23:32:34**

_ [PapabearTheBlackThor.jpg] _

**GoyoDon’tEatTacoBell 23:33:41**

_ Oh dios mío, what am I looking at?  _

**MYDRONEDOESTHEWORK 23:33:59**

_ Now with wings, he does look like Thor _

**NOYOURDRONEISTRASH 23:34:15**

_ Black Thor uwu _

**MYDRONEDOESTHEWORK 23:35:01**

_ FUCK YOU MASARU! Change your tag now! _

**WhatsInMyCanister 23:36:21**

_ [MyBoyCanBeSexyToo.jpg] _

**BestBeardAroundTheWorld 23:37:31**

_ WTF?? _

**WelcomeMatExpert 23:38:07**

_ IS THAT MARK’S HEAD ON MILES’S BODY??? _

**I, Artist has left the chat.**

**Kapkan has left the chat.**

**MIRA 23:39:23**

_ Now this is just disturbing _

**WhatIsInCanister 23:40:15**

_ Aww, my boy mark deserves some love too _

**Mute 23:40:20**

_ … _

**Mute 23:40:27**

_ You’re a dead man to me now. _

**Administer Thatcher has mute the group chat.**

**Thatcher 23:41:33**

_ Now everyone shut the fuck up and get to work! _

**Dokkaebae 23:42:42**

_ Ok boomer _

**Dokkaebae has been removed from the chat.**

**Dokkaebae add Dokkaebae to the chat.**

Now the phone finally has stopped vibrating.

Pulse’s mouth is half opened, eyes widened. He doesn’t expect things can end up like this. And the photo. And the group chat. And… Pulse’s brain has completely stopped working, as he’s still digesting everything he just sees in the group chat.

Castle feels the side of his head is hurting from reading all those messages and...images of himself. He looks at the source of his image, Pulse, obviously. He can tell Pulse is frustrating with the chat, and there’s some mysterial pink on his face.

Feeling being stared at, Pulse chews his bottom lip and apologizes immediately, “I’m sorry.. I shouldn’t-”

“You’ve been saying you’re sorry far too many times today.” Castle softens his voice. “There’s no need for that. I don’t think you did anything wrong.”

The soothing voice calms Pulse’s panicking heart a bit.

“Plus, I do look good in that picture.” Castle lets out a light chuckle.

“I know...” Pulse says in a voice so quiet that even himself can hardly hear it.

A hand patting his shoulder, Pulse’s body jumps immediately  like a jittery rabbit . Castle’s face darkens a bit, and then he slowly takes back his hand. “Don’t worry too much. Let’s just enjoy this trip.” Castle says then walks back to where he’s sitting.

Then there’s unsettling silence taunting both of them. None of them likes it, yet no one wants to break it. They all know that it’s not easy to a step forward if you don’t know where your foot will fall.

Thus Pulse decides to go to bed. He lies on the bed with his back facing the other man. He closes his eyes thinking maybe this way he can get rid of that man out of his mind. Little does he know, this man will haunt him in his dream as a feverish ghost that ruins everything he has believed in his past years.

_ “Miles...” _

A dense moaning slips out the man’s throat. He can feel the skin on his face and throat is hot, but his fingertips are cold on the other man's broad back. A warm and wet tongue slowly licks through his neck, as he holds the man who’s holding him even tighter. His hips rise closer to the other man as he’s seeking something from him. His feet point like dancer’s and his toes curl, as the other man starts sucking his ear gently, a loud moaning escapes his mouth. 

_ “Give me, Miles...” _

Eyes shut tightly, without even looking, he knows who this man is. With every soft touch, those hands only make his skin even more sensitive. The extreme heat makes him want more, something more to fill up his emptiness. He wants this man to wreck him right now; he wants the painful pleasure. He wants Miles Campbell. Miles Campbell, Miles, Miles, Miles……

_ Miles Campbell _ .

A cold sweat dripping from his forehead as he opens his eyes. An endless darkness reminds him that it's just a dream. Pulse breathes swiftly as he’s still in that wet dream, and his skin is glistening and the nape of his neck is damp. He just had the best yet worst dream, a dream that is like a black hole in his head, deep inside his soul, slowly swallowing everything he has known about himself. 

_ Why- _

_ How- _

_ What’s wrong with me?  _

And whatever the answer he’s searching can’t be found in this darkness. He hears the peaceful snores from the other side of the bed, while he gives himself a nod.

He needs to get himself out of here. He needs to run away.


	6. Vacation mode: day 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chap might be dull but it's important for the plot (no spoilers!) but I swear things will be much intense in the future. Sorry for the late update, but I've been addicted to the new season of R6.
> 
> And you might notice how I keep editing the summary, because I DO NOT know how to write an interesting summary ;-;
> 
> I hope you like this chapter <3

Pulse wakes up to an extreme headache that’s pounding inside his head. He feels unusual heat burning under his skin. His breath quivers in short, quick gasps everytime he inhales, his lungs having no choice but to painfully and rigidly take in the air around him.

“Jack.” A shaken voice that Pulse can’t be more familiar with. “You had fever.”

Pulse looks at the blurry, worrying man, and he wants to say something, but there is no strength in his voice, just a whisper. “Water...”

“Here.” Castle slides his arm under Pulse’s neck and lifts him up gently, slowly pouring water to his mouth from the cup he’s holding. Seeing his love being weak like this makes Castle heart ache badly. 

Water indeed helps Pulse feel better, but it’s not magical work. He’s still miserable. The fever is burning Pulse up, not just his body but his spirit. He grabs the arm that’s holding him now weakly, like the last floating wood on the water, he doesn’t want to let it go. The heat tortues his mind, making him lose sense and consciousness from time to time. There’s time he thinks he’s falling asleep, a spell of violent shaking from his body will force him awake. He’s not really awake, but he can feel the pain and dizziness. And his brain is like a smashed butter, melting in the heat - he can’t even think straight but drowning in the endless misery.

Castle is not sure how long he has been holding this man in his arms. Although the heavy weight has already made his arm numb, but tight gripping from Pulse only makes Castle determine the idea of holding him stronger. No matter how weak Pulse is right now, it’s like he uses all his strength to hold on Castle. Castle feels that desperation from that hand, and it breaks his heart. He sees Pulse being eaten from within by the fever that intends to cook him, scorching his usually pale skin so red. He has never seen him so lacking in life spirit and the fear of losing him bites down hard. 

“The doctor is here!” A shout from the door.

Castle glances over his shoulder and sees Kuh, the manager, walking in with a 30-ish year old western woman.

The woman nods to Castle. Castle greets back and lets Pulse off his arm. Surprisingly, Pulse’s hand still tightly grips at Castle’s arm, considering how sick Pulse is right now. “It’s ok. Doctor is here.” Castle puts his hand over the other man’s hand. As if Pulse can hear it, so drenched with sweat and he curls hot fingers into Castle’s right hand.

The woman pulls out the thermometer from his kit and presses it into Pulse’s ear, taking a reading. It’s higher than normal but not quite into life-threatening level as yet. “Was he drinking?” The woman asks, pulling out a stethoscope to listen to Pulse’s chest to make sure that he’s not developing a chest infection.

Castle nods his head. “I think so. When I found him on the beach, he smelled like liquor.”

“He did. Probably a lot,” Kuh adds. “He came to the bar when I was about to close it, he bought a bottle of whisky.”

Pulse’s chest sounds clear, and the woman says to Castle. “It’s not a big problem. He probably caught the cold when he’s drunk. I have some Tylenol here for him. Can you bring in more water?” She nods to the half empty glass on the bedside table.

“Yes,” and Castle grabs the glass but then he realizes Pulse’s still holding his hand.

“I’ll get it!” Kuh notices what’s happening and runs to the glass. With the cup in his hand, he disappears from the bungalow.

The woman gently shakes Pulse’s shoulder. “Hey, sorry buddy, you gotta wake up for me.” Pulse mumbles something in his sleep but doesn’t wake up so the woman shakes him a little harder.

Pulse blinking slowly while he feels the whole world is spinning. Then he sees an unfamiliar face in front of him in full confusion. “What...” His voice is raspy.

“I’m Dr. Katherine. It seems like you had a fever that’s caused by a cold. I need to check your throat and get you some meds then you can go back sleep, ok? Stay up for me.”

Pulse is not sure if he hears all those words, then he glances to the man standing next to the doctor. The tall black man gives him an assuring nod, which makes Pulse feels slightly better.

Katherine raises a brow, then she says,“ok, open up and say ‘ah’ for me.” She checks Pulse’s throat and finds no infection. She smiles with satisfaction, and just when she’s about to say something, Kuh runs in.

“Water! I got it!” 

“Good. Now take these.” She pops out two pills and hands them over.

Pulse does as he’s told, grimacing as he swallows. “Ok, get some rest now.” Katherine gives him a soft smile. Like a kid who listens to his mom, Pulse lies back and closes his eyes. Soon he’s already drifted away in his dreamless sleep.

“Is he gonna be ok?” Castle asks.

“I think it’s better for us to talk outside, you know, not to wake him up,” Katherine glances at the holding hands.

Castle feels he’s face heating up a bit. He let’s Pulse’s hand recluentantly, but maybe because the med, Pulse is deep in sleep and he doesn’t even struggle to lose the hand this time. Castle walks out the bungalow with the doctor and the manager. 

Kuh excuses himself to handle other stuff. Now it leaves Castle and Katherine.

“Is he-” Castle breaks the silence.

“Ah yeah, your boyfriend would be ok.” Katherine assures.

“Wh-, uh-h, no.” Castle is flustered by the sudden claim.

“It’s alright. Nobody judges here. Kuh has told me about how you two are sweet here.” Katherine explains, “ I’ve been volunteering here for more than a year, and Kuh is my good friend.”

“Ah.. that.” Castle doesn’t want to make things complicated so he gives up on explaining everything. More importantly, he prefers to be considered as Pulse’s boyfriend, a position that he can only dream of.

“How do I call you?” Katherine asks.

“Miles. You can just call me Miles. And you’re Kathrine, right?” Castle introduces himself.

“Yeah. Call me Katy if you want.” Katherine smiles heartfully.

“Katy. ” Castle gives the woman a smile back. “Thank you for everything. I can buy you a drink or meal for everything.”

“That’d be great!” Katherine’s face brightens up.

After they sit down at the table that’s set outside the front desk, Kuh brings 2 beers to them without even asking. “Here you go, Katy, your favourite kind. And this one's for you, sir.”

Katherine nods at Kuh with a grateful smile. Kuh gives a shy smile back and leaves them alone.

“So, Miles, tell me about Rainbow.” Katherine takes a sip from the beer and then asks with an amusing smile.

“Wait, how did you know us?” Castle has a suspicious feeling right away. He looks at the woman in front of him as if she’s one of the whitemask.

“Ah, chill out. Everyone knows you guys. Rainbow is famous around the world. And your boyfriend, Pulse, right? He did a really good job during the finale of the tournament.” Katherine chuckles.

Castle did not answer her, but his fingers are tapping on the table patiently.

“It’s ok if you don’t trust me,” Katherine shrugs. “I know you guys are still special agents, but you know, I’m just excited to meet you guys in real life. I recognized your boyfriend right away. He’s pretty popular for what he did during the finale. He almost aced the game, almost, but he went soft with Hibana. Hibana, right? Am I pronouncing it right?”

“...Yeah,” Castle pauses for a while and then answers.

Katherine pulls out her phone and types something real quick. “Look, there’re even news about the rumour of him and Hibana dating.” She shows Castle her phone.

Castle glares at the phone. It's news with a bold headline “ _ 10 Things That Proves Pulse Is Dating Hibana _ ” . Castle sighs with a sense of defeat. He guesses the woman is not a threat.

“They’re not dating.” Castle explains.

“Well I know that, since you two are dating.” Katherine rolls her eyes and takes another sip from the bottle. “Tell me something I don’t know? Like how you guys met.”

“Well… To be honest, we’re not dating.” Castle thinks it’s better to clear things out in case there’ll be more gossips and rumors about him and Pulse, which, he believes, will bother his friend.

“Are you serious?” Katherine is wide-eyed.

Castle falls into silence with pursed lips. He’s not sure if he should tell this woman everything. But there's an urge inside that makes him want to pour out all his problems. He’s upset that Pulse sneaked out the room and got drunk by himself. He knows there’s something wrong about Pulse. He has an instinct that the reason that Pulse decided to drink is because of him. But he’s not sure. He has lost all the signals as if he’s in the wasteland of white where there’s nothing for his mind to hang onto. He knows Pulse is distancing himself from him, and it hurts. Everytime Pulse flinches when he touches him; he’s body stiff when he gets closer to him. Every little detail hurts him like hundreds of bugs biting his heart at the same time. And he doesn’t know what to do anymore. 

“Oh no,” Katherine bursts out a laughter. “You like him but he doesn’t know!”

“....” Castle lowers his eyes, moving his vision to the bottle in front of him.

“Aww, that’s cute but sad. Maybe you can tell me what’s exactly going one between you two, so I can help?”

Castle doesn’t really expect her to help him, but he thinks it’s time for him to let it out. It’s been way too long for him to hold this secret by himself. So what’d be a big deal to vent to a friend whom he may not see ever again. Maybe not.

***

Pulse wakes up feeling like shit, but at least right now he has a clear and working head. As a soldier, his immune system is probably more stronger than others, but he still can’t deny this time this cold hit him even harder than before. Well, maybe the alcohol didn’t help him in any ways.

Yes, the whole bottle of whisky. Pulse strokes his nostril while he’s trying to remember whatever happened to him. All he can scratch from his head is how he was drinking his confliction and troubles away on the beach, under the galaxy until he didn’t have any memories left. But that’s not important now. Pulse notices the sun has almost disappeared from the sky and he’s left alone in the room.  _ Where is Miles _ ?  _ And there’s a doctor, right _ ?

He still feels unwell, but it’s way better than before. So he gets up and wraps the blanket around his shoulders before heading out. One foot out the bungalow and stops dead, not at all prepared for what he sees before him.

Castle is sitting with a woman on the beach, a drink held in his hand, and the woman is laughing as her head lies against Castle’s shoulder. Though he can’t see his friend’s face, even from here, Pulse can hear the soft and charming laugh that Castle makes when he’s happy and entertained - a sound that he didn’t know he wished was only for him.

Pulse takes a step back into the room, wanting a moment to think. What he has just seen was unpredictable. Well, it’s not like he doesn’t expect his best to end up with someone, but he just has never seen it with his own eyes. Besides everything, he must admit that he’s a little hurt - Castle should have been next to him and taking care of sick him, not spending time with that wo-

_ Oh god _ .

Pulse can’t even believe what he’s thinking. He’s jealous. He envies that woman takes his best friend away from him. He’s so used to Castle taking care of him that he just takes everything granted, which is totally unfair to his friend. Hasn’t everything been unfair to Castle? Who’s the one helping him to prepare the “love confession”? Who’s the one giving him a hand when he’s frustrated? And who’s the one paying for the tickets and everything for this trip? More importantly, who’s one always carrying their friendship while he barely asks how the other one feels?

It’s all Miles Campbell.

Now he’s bitter about how just a woman will take everything away. Isn’t he the one encouraging his friend to date someone or even start a family? Acting like an adult, while he doesn’t even know what himself really wants. It’s such a shame for him to be jealous, but he just can’t ignore his heart aching inside. The burning pain flowing around his body with a taste of loss, eventually gathers around his head. Like the last piece of puzzle, finally fitting in the long-buried and unsolved question in his heart, a realization pops in his burning brain. 

He’s in love with his best friend.

_ Fuck. _ Pulse curses under his breath but fails noticing his tears rolling down his face. The realization hits him too hard, making his whole world shake in fear and devastation. He’s crying, wishing the tears can take out the unbearable pain in his chest. It’s not even about he’s gay or not no more, but his defeated love to his friend. Is it too late to know that? No, it’s not about late or not - there’s nothing late about something meant to not happen. And he knows nothing would happen between him and Castle. But it’s still like a punishment from God, letting him fall into the sweet trap and then taking everything away from him, leaving him helpless.

When the sky finally falls into deep dark and the star comes out blinking at this world, Pulse falls asleep with tears drying slowly on his face. He’s sick,tired, and heartbroken, and therefore his body can’t even support him to stay up.

Someone enters the room and lays himself next the man who’s curling himself like a injured animal on the bed. Arms tightly wrapping around Pulse’s waist and eyes sinking into endless love, the man sighs lightly. He lays his head against the sleeping man’s head, lips gently touching Pulse’s neck. 

“I love you, Jack.” He whispers in the quietest voice he can, “please get better.”

Deep in his dreamless sleep, Pulse can’t hear those words, but he would wish he could. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know.. Please don't hate me on the slow developing between them. When I say "slow burn" I mean REAL slow. It's almost halfway of the fic and our Jackie boy just realized his feeling towards our papabear. But I promise you things will have a turn soon.
> 
> Please bear my broken English.


	7. The end that brings us together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something we've all been waiting for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELL YEAH

When Pulse wakes up, he feels his face is tickled by something. He opens his eyes only seeing the dark brown skin and dark hair brushing his face. The smell is familiar - the mixture of cinnamon and cocoa butter, reminding him of the crackling fireplace and warm light at home. It’s a smell that makes him feel belonged and safe. And it’s the smell of Miles. 

He’s in Castle’s arms like a little spoon. The thought of it makes his body tense up but then relaxed more. He loves being cuddled like this; he loves the soft broad chest under his head as it’s the best pillow he can ever have. He knows well it’s not his first time to sleep with his dear friend like this, but it’s just now that he realizes how he loves it. Just now he can feel and observe every little detail of it. He can count how many scars are on his friend’s arm that is wrapping around his waist. He can also hear the steady heartbeat through Castle’s chest, like a soft drum rhyming with his own heartbeat. He can feel Castle’s chest hair touching his face, which is not so soft but cute; the hair curls up like hundreds of cute little fuzzy balls. Gently, Pulse’s fingers are tangling with the chest hair, and they feel exactly like Castle’s short hair. No, there’s no “don’t touch my hair” thing between him and Castle. Castle almost lets him touch every part of his body. When he actually touched Castle’s hair for the first time, he gasped. He loves the feeling of it, the fuzzy but also soft at the same time. Castle didn’t get upset about it, though Pulse touched it without even asking for permission. Castle told him how he used to have longer hair, dreads, and braids but the military life made him cut them off. There was culture shock at the beginning, but for them it’s just a curious white boy trying to learn so many new things from his dear black friend. And Castle never gets upset with him.

Castle would never, no, he simply can’t get upset with Pulse. He would do anything to make this man with a youthful heart to smile. Castle is deeply in love with the pure and innocent smile that Pulse has, and he swears to himself that he would do anything to protect that smile. It becomes a type of responsibility to Castle, a weight on his shoulder that he can’t ever get off. But Pulse doesn’t know, and maybe he doesn’t need to know. These two men are playing a game that none of them want to participate in, but it’s a game that may protect themselves in a way or another.

Pulse doesn’t want to wake Castle up, but he can’t help to bury his face among the chest. He almost wants to melt himself into Castle, so he won’t have any chances to leave this man alone, follow him everywhere, because Miles Campbell belongs to him, Jack Estrada. He never had this strong feeling towards anyone, not even Hibana. He did not think he would have this type of feeling for anyone because he simply doesn’t think he’s the possessive type. However things changed when he, for the first time in his life, actually saw Castle was so close to another person. He’s jealous. He’s upset. He’s just like a kid who will never let anyone take his treasure away.

Like Castle said before, Pulse is like a kid when it comes to personal relationship. If he wants something, he will take it regardless. He may chase it, fight for it, or anything you can think, but he will not back down unless the person tells him to stop. That’s the courage and spirit Pulse is proud of, and it’s also what Castle wishes he’d have.

Pulse doesn’t dare to move, or he just simply doesn’t want to. Breathing deeply through the warm skin against his face, the air comes less and less till it almost makes Pulse suffocate. But he doesn’t move, like if leaving this body will kill him faster than suffocating.

“Please, don’t die on top of me.” The words cut the silence in the room, with a light smirk on Castle’s face.

Pulse doesn’t move at first, but for less than 10 seconds he eventually gives up and looks up to Castle’s eyes.

Castle likes what he’s seeing right now. Pulse’s face is deeply pink due to the lack of air, and two of them are both topless, skin touching skin. Like a married couple who just wakes up from their first night, there’s some weird but loving atmosphere between them. No, again, it’s not their first time to sleep together, but something is different this time. Castle may think he sees it wrong, but he swears he sees there’s something sparkling in Pulse’s eyes. The way Pulse looks at him is so different from before. It’s almost like Pulse is begging him to do something. It’s like Pulse wants him to give all the love to him. 

Now Castle just wants to kiss the man lying on top of him. One hand slips among Pulse’s smooth back, the other slowly reaches Pulse's face. 

When those shaky fingers touch Pulse’s cheek, Pulse doesn’t even flinch, and he just keeps his eyes locked on the other man’s eyes. Fingers draw an unknown, invisible route on Pulse’s face, and it stops at its final stop - lips. 

Then those lips move. 

“Miles-” Pulse is not even sure why he breaks this moment, but the name just slips out his throat.

Like cold water poured down, Castle jumps as he just wakes up from a nightmare. Not it was a nightmare, of course, and it’s like the best dream he could’ve had if they actually kissed. But Castle also knows if he actually kissed his friend, it’d be a nightmare because everything he has had will be collapsed in a second. He mustn’t step over the boundary ever again.

“Shi-fuck! I’m sorry, Jack-” Castle fails to find his words as he doesn’t even dare to look at his friend. He sits on the edge of the bed, eyes looking down nothing. 

_ He must hate me more now. _

“No, Miles.” Pulse crawls to the flustered man, the man he knows so well. “It’s ok. I know, and to be fair, I want to kiss you too.”

Pulse puts one of his hands on top of Castle’s hand, assuring his words with action. Sometimes action speaks louder than words. Just like a minute ago, the eye contact that lights up the fire inside Pulse and the finger touching his lips, these unspeakable details trigger Pulse’s nerve. And they say Pulse is the best to read people’s body language. Maybe not all the time, but this time Pulse makes sure he knows what Castle wants, which is the same what he wants.

“What?” Castle turns to Pulse with an unbelievable face.

“I said-” Pulse can’t even finish his words when the other man’s lips are crushing among his.

The strong arms pull Pulse into a fiery and passionate kiss. Pulse hardly has a moment to react before Castle presses his tongue to the seam of his lips and, of course, at Pulse’s grant of access, delves inside his mouth. It’s not the type of kiss you see in the movie with fireworks and everything, and it’s actually kind of sloppy. But Pulse loves it, and he thinks maybe he’s addicted to it too. It’s Miles, and he’s sure he’s addicted to him as well.

And yes, Castle wasn’t prepared to hear what Pulse said. But after all the years he’d spent with Pulse - watching him talk, laugh and cry - that he would know all there was to know about his lips. But he didn't know he could actually feel the warmth from the other man’s lips. When he presses his lips upon another’s, Castle’s brain lit on fire and the warmth spread throughout his entire body. The kiss is his salvation and torment, and he dedicates his life to have this moment. Castle wraps his hands around Pulse’s waist and Pulse’s locks around his neck pulling him tighter. 

One minute. And then two, three, and even longer. Castle has no wish for the kiss to end. Drunk on endorphins his only desire is to touch him, to move his hands on Pulse’s smooth and heated skin.

“Wait, Miles, wait.” Pulse pulls himself from the kiss, breathless.

Miles groans softly in disafitcation.

“I know this sounds weird, but..” Pulse takes a deep breath and then confesses, “I do not know anything about gay sex.”

Then there’s this silence that Pulse hates the most. Pulse can tell that Castle is holding his laughter.

“DO NOT LAUGH AT ME!” Pulse feels his face burning like he has a fever right now. (He did though.)

Castle chews his bottom lip trying to not laugh. “I’m trying. But it’s ok. We can take things slow. Now can we go back to what we were doing?”

“No!” Pulse gives the other man a glare as he’s about to jump out the bed.

“Hey, hey, don’t be so grumpy.” Castle drags Pulse back down to him right away, and the force makes Pulse fall back into Castle’s arms. Castle lays a gentle kiss upon Pulse’s neck, while he whispers to Pulse’s ear, “not so fast.”

That makes Pulse melt into a helpless butter, allowing the man who’s holding him right now doing whatever he wants.

However, there’s no chance for Pulse to explore the spicy and steamy gay sex world today. Castle’s phone rings at the same time when the door is knocked by someone. Castle lets out a defeated sigh as Pulse’s nose wrinkles. 

“I’ll get the door and you go ahead get the phone.” Pulse gives disappointed Castle a light kiss on his lips and then jumps out the bed.

Castle picks up his phone from the nightstand, as he thinks there can’t be something worse and here’s the worse news coming from the screen. It’s the call he wants the least. He swiftly goes into the bathroom and locks the door behind him, and then he answers the phone.

“Hi, six.”

It’s the manager who comes to their bungalow to remind them that they need to check out at 12pm today. 

“Thanks for reminding us.” Pulse puts up a fake smile as he’s about to shut the door.

“Oh wait, one more thing.” Kuh blocks the door with his hand. “Katherine said good luck to you guys.”

Pulse frowns. He almost forgets about that woman. The woman who stole his Miles yesterday. “Ah, that, thank her.” Pulse says it with a grumpy voice, and then he shuts the door close without even looking at Kuh, leaving the confused manager outside.

Pulse looks back at the bed, and his lover has gone. Then he hears the mumbling talking from the bathroom. Pulse is not the type who eardrops, but he has this feeling, maybe Castle is talking to Katherine whom Castle doesn’t want him to know. He stares at the bathroom door for a while, and then he starts to pack his stuff.

_ Stupid Katherine. Stupid Miles. How dare him choose to spend a day with that woman instead of taking care of me! _ Pulse shoveling whatever cloths into his bag, as he blames everything on Castle. He didn’t remember how upset he was last night until the manager brought up that name. But now he remembers it, and he’s pissed. Then something falls off the cloth and drops on the floor. Pulse glances at it. It’s the tiny wooden charm that’s given by Kuh during the trip to the temple. Pulse blinks a couple of times and picks it up from the floor. The charm is not very dedicated but it gives Pulse a sense of calm. The rolling wave that carved into the piece reminds Pulse of the time he spends with Castle: the snorkling, the talking, the coconut smashing, the beach, the cuddling.

Pulse sighs lightly. Maybe he overreacts about the Katherine thing. But he knows he just can’t lose Castle. He can’t even stand the idea of losing him. Castle is half that makes him whole.

That’s when the bathroom door is opened. Pulse glances back as he puts the charm inside his pocket. 

“Is everything ok?” Pulse asks concernedly when he notices Castle’s face is stiff.

“Uh, yeah, but no.” Castle sits down on the bed. “We can’t leave yet, Jack, we have a mission.”

“Mission?” Pulse frowns. He’s not sure what kind of mission that is this emerged since they’re still in Vacation, and he’s also confused about why they can’t leave yet. Does that mean the mission is operated in Cambodia? “Was that Harry called you?”

“Well, no actually.” Castle rubs his eyes. “It’s Six.”

“Six? I thought she’s-”

“Yeah, but not really.” Castle cuts Pulse’s words and pauses for a second. “Not many operators know about this. But she’s still keeping contact with Harry. She is still secretly giving orders. The whole leaving thing is just a false scene to make White Mask lose their guard. It did work if you look back how many successful missions we have had. But now someone leaked or whatever shit happened, they seem to know that Six is still having us under her orders. And they’re planning to do something big this time, in Cambodia.”

Pulse falls into silence. He has a lot of information to digest right now. Nobody told him about the Six thing, and now he wonders who else knows about it. And the weirdest part is why Cambodia. Usually White Mask does their terrorist activities in much richer cities or countries like HongKong, England, Brazil, Paris, Switzerland and so on. But Cambodia? What can they gain from bombing Cambodia?

“I know. It’s weird.” Castle lets out a sigh. “And our mission is to figure out what they want and stop them from getting it. Plus, Harry is sending others to meet us.”

“Others?”

“Yeah, Jordan, Grace, Doc, and Yumiko are coming to meet us.”

The last name Castle speaks out makes Pulse’s body tense up a bit. Castle glances up and down to his lover. “What? You still have feelings for her?” Castle’s words are sharp. He fails to control his emotion as he’s very stressed about the mission. He can feel the jealousy and anger fills up his chest. It’s different this time. Before this morning, he might just swallow his jealousy back down and try his best to hide his emotion, but now he knows he can have this man as his lover and he will not allow others to take him away from him. Moreover, for all these years, every emotion he had been hiding from Pulse is just now flushing all over him. And it hurts even worse than when he hides it.

“Wh-what?” Pulse doesn’t expect Castle’s voice to be this cold. Of course he’s over it. It’s just he doesn’t know how awkward things would be between him and Hibana. Pulse wants to explain, but Castle doesn’t give him chances.

Castle pulls out something from his pocket, and hands it to Pulse. “Well if you’re still, still having feelings towards her, you can give it to her.”

It’s the charm that Pulse made it for Hibana. Pulse eyes widen, surprising that Castle has it.

“I picked it up yesterday morning, when I found your drunk ass on the beach.” Castle looks away, trying to soften his voice.

Then Castle feels Pulse taking the charm from his hand. His heart drops, and his shoulders drop, and everything drops to the bottom of nothing. He closes his eyes. Maybe this morning is just a mistake. Maybe Pulse was just exploring something. Maybe all this is just a nightmare. Maybe-

And the warmth and gentle touching on his forehead makes Castle flinch. He opens his eyes only finding Pulse laying a kiss on his forehead.

“You dumbass, I like you, Miles. You’re just a stupid fuck.” Pulse looks down, presses his forehead to the other’s, speaking foul words with the most gentle voice.

“Now forget about that one, take this charm with you. This is our charm.” Pulse takes out the one he put in his pocket earlier and places it upon Castle’s palm.

Castle looks down. He recognizes it. It’s the charm of the wave that they were gifted in the temple. Castle chuckles lightly as he shakes his head. 

“I’m sorry I yelled at you.” He cups Pulse’s face gently. “I’m just so stressed about the mission.”

Pulse sits on the lap of Castle, holding Castle’s face with his hands. He presses a kiss lightly on the other man’s lips, with slight sympathy and a lot of love from his heart. “I know. Tell me, Miles. Tell what’s worrying you like this.”

Then there’s thick silence between them. But Pulse is not hurrying the other one to speak, he just rests his head against Castle’s shoulder while his arms wrap around Castle’s chest. He wants Castle to speak up, but when he’s calm and ready. And he hopes his hug would help in a way.

Castle takes a deep breath as he’s finally ready to say it out loud. Then Pulse hears those shaky words.

“They’re coming for me, Jack. Six said they’re coming for me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I SAID things will take a turn!
> 
> I love this chap the most so I hope you guys like it too <3


	8. First Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of the mission.  
> The beginning of new world.
> 
> AKA Make up sex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was dying when I was writing this. I hope yall like this.

Castle and Pulse leave the island swiftly. There’s no trouble with checking out and boarding the ferry. The problem is how they’re going to reach the address that they’re given. But the problem is soon solved by Castle who decides to rent a car. 

“I still can’t believe they let us just take this car.” Pulse throws his backpack in the back seat.

“I mean, $500 for this trash? I’d say they made good money.” Castle pats the top of the car that’s covered by dust and scratches. It’s an old Honda Accord 2003 that practically looks like something that you’d see in a junk car towing zone. 

“I mean yeah, but how are we going to return it? You’re renting it, right?” Pulse pulls the door open and glances around the inside of the car skeptically.

“Uh, about that, I was wanting to rent it, but you know, I think there was some miscommunication.” Castle pauses for a second and then continues, “I think they just sold us this.”

“Well, I should've known that when we walked in there.” Pulse touches the seat and makes sure there’s no suspicious wetness on it.

The rental company, well if that’s actually one, is very sketchy. It’s not the type like Hertz or anything, It’s just a small shop with a couple of mechanics sitting inside doing nothing. It’s more like an auto shop than a car rental store, but that’s where Katherine told them to go. And about that, another weird thing is when they were checking out at the resort, Katherine is the one who took care of everything instead of the manager Kuh. And the reason Katherine gave is just simply that Kuh was out for food supply. Castle didn't suspect anything but Pulse had a weird feeling about that woman.

“It’s not like you will find drugs under the seat.” Castle chuckles and shakes his head to the skeptical man who’s looking under the seat.

“Not that, but what if a bomb?” Pulse reaches the furthest under the seat he can with his one hand.

“God, they’re not criminals. It’s just Cambodia. They don’t have fancy car rental stores like in the U.S.” Castle can’t help to laugh the way Pulse struggles with his arms. It’s a small car, and instead of worrying about the bomb Castle is more worried if this car is able to take them to where they’re heading.

“Nope. I’m telling you that woman is sketchy. The whatever rental store she recommended is sketchy as well. I don’t trust her.” Pulse pulls his arm out the underseat and glares at Castle.

He sweeps dust away from his arm and continues, “and what the hell were you thinking telling her about Rainbow?”

“To be fair, I didn’t tell her shit, just some stories happened between you and me.” Castle refutes. Then he jumps to the driver seat, thinking to end this conversation soon or later. With all respect to Rainbow, he would never tell anyone outside Rainbow about their organization. That day he did speak briefly about Rainbow, but that information can be easily found on the Internet. Nothing confidential has been spilled by Castle. Moreover, he talked a lot about Pulse, about how he’s passionate about everything, how they met in the service, how they became best friends, and even more. He needed someone who would listen to his words after all those years hiding his emotion. And for a person who would listen to his endless stories, Castle genuinely doesn’t want Katherine to be the one betraying him. He considers her as a friend after all.

“Yeah right.” The sarcasm in Pulse’s voice makes Castle frown. Pulse knocks and leans to the window of the driver seat as he says, “now get out there, I’ll drive.”

Castle looks at Pulse’s face through the dirty window. The window is stained with some unknown dark brown color and heavy dust, and the sunglasses on Pulse’s face are making it even harder for Castle to read his face. Castle sighs and opens the door, then stepping out the driver seat. “Here you go, it’s all yours.”

Pulse lifts a corner of his mouth, the smirk making him look like a boy who just won the fight. Castle grins softly when he sees that smirk. He just loves seeing the childish side of Pulse, which makes him want to tease more the man who’s excited to drive.

“I thought you love muscle cars, not this tiny trashy ghetto car.” Castle sits himself down on the front seat, looks at Pulse.

“Shut up.” Pulse gives Castle an annoyed glaring, and turns on the car. “I’m driving because I know better than you. It’s better for me to drive this crap instead of letting you break it down.”

“Whoa, no offense taken. But I think you just want to drive.” Castle says as he nips Pulse’s cheek gently, “and stop thinking of yourself as  Mike Lowrey .”

Foot on the gas pedal, Pulse pushes his shades up and smirks. “Too late,  Marcus .”

The dusty old car now is on the road, heading to somewhere only leads them to unknown danger. But these men are used to danger, and they’re not afraid of getting hurt. The only fear is they’d put each other in danger. On the other words, they’d do anything to keep the other safe. 

  
  


****

It takes them more than 3 hours to get to the destination. The traffic is horrible, even worse than the freeway in Los Angeles at 6PM and that’s what Castle commented during the trip. A tiny and bumpy 2-way free way filled with reckless motorbikes and slow buses, and after the crowded freeway they had to go through muddy roads through the jungle. Passing endless trees, they finally see the place where they’re supposed to stay and meet other operators. It’s a small 2 story warehouse that looks like it has been abandoned for more than a year. The rusty curved roof is like an aircraft hanger and the walls are corrugated tin that is covered by so much rust that it’s hard to tell what the original color was. The only relatively new thing is the chalk chain fence around, and at the gate there’s no lock on it.

Parking the car in front of the old small warehouse, Pulse steps out of the car and stretches his arms up. 3 hours of driving is tiring him and making his body stiff. He has to admit that this trip is not easy due to the traffic and the curvy muddy mountain roads. He shifts his eyes to the man who is already out of the car. Castle is paying attention to his phone, trying to contact the rest of the operators, and because of that he doesn’t notice Pulse’s staring. Pulse lets his gaze sink deeper into the man standing on the other side of the car, and he fails to stop his mind flashing back to the conversation they had this morning.

Pulse remembers clearly how his body shivered when he heard Castle telling him the White Mask is going after him. Apparently, the White Mask knows Castle and Pulse are out here in Cambodia for vacation, and they want to hold this chance to capture Castle, because Castle knows the secret of Rainbow; he knows where Six is; he knows how to contact Six. And Pulse can tell Castle is getting direct order from Six. Six, the ultimate opponent to the White Mask, has been keeping herself in the shadow with a lie fooling everyone. And this time, the White Mask wants to drag her out the shadow and annihilate her. But before the real hunting begins, the White Mask needs to know where their prey is, and the process of searching for their prey involves finding Castle. No, Castle is not only one who has close contact with Six. And according to Castle, Pulse knows that Harry, Thatcher, and Doc know this as well. But this vacation is a chance for the White Mask - without any protection from the base, Castle is out in the world like a rabbit who’s getting attention from the predators. 

Pulse can’t help to feel guilty for everything right now. If he knew things would be like this, he’d never accept Castle’s invitation. He’d rip the flight tickets apart and tell Castle to sit the fuck down.  _ Did Miles know he’d put himself in danger like this when he proposed to go to Cambodia? _ Pulse asks himself in his heart, but the answer is nowhere to find. He’s even scared to know the answer. He doesn’t want to acknowledge that Castle would do such dangerous things just to cheer him up. Did he break that man’s heart when he told him that he has feelings towards Yumiko? Did he even step on that broken heart again and again when he asked him to help him with Charm? How many times he had teared that man’s heart with his own hands? Pulse doesn’t dare to think all that as the guilt is eating him alive now. He knows the answer, but he doesn’t have the guts to face it. Knowing the fact that how many times he had hurt this man and this man would even put himself in danger just to put up a smile on his face, Pulse is lost in the sea of guilt and shame.

“Are you ok?” Warm hand reaching to Pulse’s cold fingers, Castle looks at him worriedly. 

Pulse jerks his head to the hand and then Castle, he puts up a weak smile and nods. “Yeah, why?” Then he’s slowly wiggling his fingers out of Castle’s hand.

“I was talking to you, and you’re just standing there.” Castle’s voice is soft, but he grabs Pulse’s escaping hand again, and this time he holds it even tighter. He’s not giving Pulse’s another chance to slip his hand away this time.

Pulse looks down at the holding hands, feeling something swirling in his stomach. Then he looks up at Castle and lies. “Nothing really. I was just thinking about the mission.” 

Castle doesn’t ask anymore, though he knows that there’s something Pulse’s hiding from him. He swallows his questions back, and says softly, “Let’s go in, shall we?”

Pushing the gate open, pulling the metal sliding door open, they finally enter the warehouse, and during the whole time Castle doesn’t even let go of Pulse's hand as if he lets it go he’s never having any chances to hold it again. And Castle is probably right. Doubtful thoughts bouncing around in Pulse’s mind, Pulse has this weird thought that if he could’ve stopped Castle loving him, everything could be avoided. Even though it hurts Pulse just to think of it, Pulse can’t stand seeing Castle getting hurt as well. The great tragedy can be avoided by making a small sacrifice.

“They will be here in an hour.” Castle observes the warehouse as he says. The warehouse has two stories, one is the empty area on the ground floor and the other one is on the second floors that has a metal stair connected to the empty main area. Three tables and couples of stools spreading on the main area chaotically. As Castle looks up, a lean corridor goes around the whole building, and there’re some doors leading to rooms on the second floor. It’s surprisingly clean inside, nothing gross but just heavy dust in the air. 

Pulse adjusts the backpack straps on his shoulder and, heads down, wants to walk away from Castle. “I’m just gon-” his words stop as he’s stopped by the force from his hand. He should’ve known Castle would not let him get away this easily. But now he’s just a mess, heading filled with millions of thoughts and gasping for the air in the water of guilt and shame. Everything was fine at first in the road trip, but when they entered the jungle Pulse can’t help to feel this mission is no joke. Such a hidden place means something is seriously confidential - it’s a dangerous mission. And any little mistake can make the man who’s holding his hand right now disappear. 

_ All these could be avoided if it’s not because of him. _

Pulse doesn’t dare to look back as he hears the words spilled out from Castle’s mouth. 

“Jack, tell me what’s wrong?”

Castle’s voice is soft and comforting, which almost makes Pulse want to cry. This man knows how to talk to Pulse, knows every detail about Pulse, and it almost seems creepy but not for Pulse. He loves that Castle's putting all the attention on him like he's the only reason Castle’s alive. However that’s also unfair, and Pulse knows that there’s no love should be like that. But how could he resist it? Like right now.  _ What’s wrong? _ The wrongness is Castle is in danger, and the least thing he should be worrying now is why Pulse is upset, right? Everything, including the mission, the White Mask, Six, his own life, he should be worrying about and Pulse’s feeling is supposed to be none of them.  _ How stupid Miles is _ . 

Without any responses, as Castle expects, he pulls the stiff man into his arm hugging Pulse tightly. Castle sighs lightly as his hands stroke the back of the other man’s neck. The man’s body shakes violently trying to escape the hug, but he fails to realize how strong Castle’s arms are. Pulse is locked between those arms and chest to chest. Burying his face upon Castle’s shoulder, Pulse refuses to speak up.

“Why are you crying?” Castle gently rubs one of his hands upon Pulse’s back, and there's a slight panick in his voice. He has no idea what’s the reason behind Pulse’s breakdown, but all he can do is to comfort him. And that’s one thing he’s good at. 

Pulse has no idea when those tears are rolling down his cheeks, but by the time he realizes it he has already been sobbing on Castle’s shoulder.

“Tell me. I’m here to listen,Jack. Anything hurt you like this hurt me too. I’m here for you. I won’t leave you like this.” Castle speaks softly. The man inside his arms is crying, and tears soaks up his shoulder touching his skin and entering his body. Like venom, killing Castle slowly, he can’t stand to see his love like this.

“No-” Castle’s words stab in Pulse’s heart like a blade, and he finds his voice, “No, Miles, y-you, I-I’m losing you. I can’t lose you. A-and, all th-these can be avoided if y-you… if I wasn’t a fool.” Incoherent words don’t make any sense, but Castle doesn’t want to interrupt as he thinks he may know what Pulse means. His heart is tightened.

Pulse inhales sharply trying to speak in senses. “I should’ve known that I like you, then we wouldn’t come here. And you wouldn’t be in danger.” As his voice trails off, Pulse feels his face is lifted by Castle’s hand. Now his red watery eyes are locked into the other man’s dark brown eyes. God, the eyes he loves so much now are filled with a mixture of emotion. Anger? Concern? Sadness? Maybe a little of everything, but the most one is Love.

“Now listen, Jack Estrada. None of this is your fault. The day I accepted Six’s invitation I knew this day would come. It’s a responsibility that comes with danger. And you’re never the cause. I love you. And I’m not leaving you in any circumstance. You will have me for your rest of your life. Sorry it’s a deal now. And now please, stop crying, because this hurts me more than you think. Don’t let me be the reason you cry, but the reason you smile. I love you. I love you more than anything. Please don’t push me away. Leaving you even more scary than death.” 

Castle’s words are like fireworks, boom, exploding in Pulse’s brain. It’s the first time he hears Castle telling him that he loves him. And those magical words cover his shaking heart with the endless warmth, heating him inside out. Eyes sparkle, Pulse staring at the man in front of him. How dumb he is thinking it’s better to leave this man. And Pulse assures himself that if one day something bad happens to Miles, he, Jack Esatrada, is going to take the pain with Miles Campbell. Whatever it is, they will go through it together. Together, not alone.

“I love you too.” Pulse speaks those magical words out helplessly. He can’t let the chance slip away right now, and he has to let Castle know how he feels. 

Castle smiles warmly to the words. And the next thing Pulse knows is that Castle’s lips are on his already. Castle gives him a soft kiss, light and barely there. Then he pulls back. When he feels Pulse’s hands tighten on his arm again, he grins crookedly, leans forward, and repeats. A sweet kiss, feathery light and playful. Pulse clenches a bit too hard down on his arm and chases Castle’s lips with his own. This time, when Pulse kisses Castle, Castle bites down on Pulse’s lip and groans like a wild animal.

Pulse feels his entire body tremble when Castle finally slips inside Peter’s mouth. Whining softly into Castle’s mouth, Pulse shivers excitedly when Castle’s tongue touches his own. Pulse can feel his cock jumping at the way Castle’s soothing growl. This is good, and he wants more.

But then Castle pulls away again. They’re both panting. Castle’s fingers lingering on Pulse’s red and wet lips. And Pulse gasps with the movement.

“You never did this before.” Castle doesn’t ask.

“No.” Pulse knows well what Castle’s talking about, and he can guess his face is redder than the blood he had seen before.

“Do you want to do this?”

Pulse blinks at the question, taking a moment to process it. He’s not a virgin of course, but with a man, he has never done this before. He’s not even sure how they do it. Back in time, he never even sets his mind to this topic. But now, he knows what he wants. He wants to give everything to this man, and he thinks he is ready to get on the ride that Castle is taking to somewhere he doesn’t know. 

“Please, don’t stop.”

Castle doesn’t even give any vocal reply, but captures his mouth in another mind-consuming kiss.

Everytime Pulse feels those strong arms getting tense, he feels a surge of lustful triumph. He just loves those arms that hold him at those nights when they have to snuck into the same bed. And he never realized his love for the strong muscular arms has become a fetish for him until now. He secretly wishes that he can be crushed by his arms.

Castle shifts his body, reaching down with one big hand pulls Pulse’s left leg by the thigh, hooking it around his hip. Switching hand, one arm holding Pulse tightly close to his chest, another grabs Pulse’s other thigh. Without even instruction, Pulse hops up. Pulse’s legs now wrap tightly around Castle waist. Just like a few days ago when they’re in the water, but this time is different. This time, nobody’s running away. The position seems impossible, but you can’t underestimate Castle’s strength. Pulse isn't prepared for the way it feels when he realizes that Castle’s erection, hard and big enough that Pulse can feel it through their pants, is pressing directly into his own.

Castle’s mouth slides over his lips and down to his neck where he puts a wet open-mouthed kiss right at Pulse’s ear. Pulse moans loudly, hips naturally bucking up. It’s exactly like what happened in his wet dream. The warm and slick tongue tingles his skin, and he rubs himself against Castle.

Suddenly, Castle’s hands grab into Pulse’s hips, as they’re iron restraints. “Stop. You’re going to make me bent you down and fuck you right now.” Castle’s voice sounds warning. But Pulse can’t find anything threatening in it. And all he can think right now is the fact that his cock is hard that he just wants more. 

He wants Castle to fuck him, even though he doesn’t know how he’s going to fuck him. But he trusts Castle. He trusts this man will give him a good experience.

“Fuck me please. Fuck me.” Pulse’s words are breathy and thin. Mindlessly, he licks Castle’s chin, like a kitten.

Castle curses, and then he shovels Pulse on the table, one hand unbuckling Pulse’s pants and another rolling up Pulse’s shirt.

“You’re mine.”

Biting lustfully down on Pulse’s neck, Castle leaves marks after marks. Hand snakes up Pulse’s stomach and up again, he finds his nipple and rubs over it lightly. Another hand, reached down, wraps around Pulse’s cock. A fingernail runs along Pulse’s nipple, just a little hint of pain, then the hand trails away to his other nipple, twisting it softly between an index finger and thumb. 

Pulse gasps, breathlessly. But the gasp turns to an unstoppable whine when he feels a warm and wet tongue touching his sensitive nipple, wrapping it and sucking it gently. 

“Shush, Jack. Not yet.” Castle’s hand moves at Pulse’s crotch, but instead of jerking Pulse off, the pad of his middle finger draws a lazy circle on the head of Pulse’s cock. Pulse feels an amount of pre-come slips out the slit, only to be swiped up by Castle’s thumb and spread back over it. 

He knows he’s so wet now. He almost can hear the sound coming from his cock, the watery rubbing making noise that only makes Pulse’s whole body even more sensitive. Finally the teasing hand is wrapping firmly around him and pumping him steadily. 

It’s not the same with his own hands - Pulse never teased himself like this on his own. Pulse feels the wet tongue has left his nipple, and the hot breath now is blowing against his lower stomach. Pulse knows what’s going to happen, but he still opens his eyes to see. His eyes are staring right at Castle’s, and he sees Castle slurp the head of his cock while he locks his eyes at his. Those dark brown eyes are asking him, do you like it?

Yes,very much he does. Pulse feels a desperate sound wretched from his teeth. Gosh he hates and loves the teasing. The teasing makes his whole body tremble, feeling so good that Pulse can see it becoming an addiction. 

Then Castle puts his hard cock into his mouth.

All the way down.

Pulse yowls. His entire body shakes and all he can think is wet. Wet and hot and Castle’s mouth is so soft and fuck, he’s going to come.

Castle pulls off in an instant, fingers gripping tightly at the base of Pulse’s cock. And Pulse can’t come as Castle’s fingers forcibly halt it. “No, no, Jack, no. Not yet.” Castle smiles warmly like an angel. But right now Pulse sees him as a devil who’s merciless torturing him.

“Please, Miles.. Let me.. Let..” Pulse may or may not be crying. He can’t tell because his face is so hot that if he has tears rolling they’ll probably evaporate off of it in a cloud of heating air.

“Let you what?” The grin on Castle’s face only grows wider.

“Let me come. Come. Please!” Pulse feels like he’s screaming but I’m reality he’s just whining with a heavy flush on his face.

“I said not yet.” Castle cocks a brow. He’s not going to let Pulse come this easily. He’s going to have more time to enjoy this man’s body. After all, he’s been waiting for this more than 3 years.

Pulse is not used to Castle being this, dominated, but he likes it. He likes this giant man giving him orders that he must obey. He likes being played by his big and soft hands, feeling that hot and wet mouth on his cock, and moreover he loves the pain that he gives when he halts his cock. He loves the sensational pain, and it makes him addicted to be submissive like this. 

Castle presses a sweet kiss upon Pulse’s leaking slip, and he starts to sucks Pulse down slowly again. Then he tugs on the thigh thrown over his shoulder, and the movement pushes Pulse’s cock into his throat.

“Ahh-”

Pulse can’t help to thrust forward, a loud moan slips out his throat. His hands scramble, flitting in the air by Castle’s shoulders. Castle reaches up, grabbing Pulse’s hands in his own to squeeze them reassuringly. Then he’s swallowing again, feeling the hard cock rubs against his tongue and then deep into his throat. The slip-slide of Castle’s lips, the wetness, and the suction have Pulse’s head thrown back. Pulse can feel the tip of his cock pushing into Castle’s throat. And amongst the wet sounds are the sounds of Castle groaning.

Not even more than five minutes, Pulse knows he can’t hold it anymore. He’s so close. So close that he fails to think if he should pull out before he comes.

When Pulse comes, it’s different from any orgasm he had before. It feels religious. He can feel it in his toes, drenching whirls of pleasure creeping up his legs and chest to fingers where he holds Castle’s hands. His mind is blank but his heart can feel Castle everywhere. All his senses melt into some warm honey, fluid and sweet, sticky and thick; he’s blind for a minute by it. And then everything explodes into one big bang. His cock, twitching through orgasm in Castle’s mouth, spreads out those creamy white liquid down into Castle’s throat.

And Castle swallows everything down as he has wished.

It takes more time for Pulse to collect himself. He doesn’t even have the energy to feel ashamed right now, but Castle still wants to give a kiss. Through lips and teeth, Pulse can even taste his own cum, salty and slightly bitter. The thought of them kissing with his cum in Castle’s mouth makes Pulse can’t even look at Castle. So he closes his eyes.

“Hey, you gotta look at me when you kiss me.” Castle rips the kiss and says, voice sounds demanding but soft.

Pulse opens his eye helplessly, as he’s a very much limp noodle. He’s very grateful that the table is strong enough to hold him and Castle who’s climbing on top of him now. Resting his head on Castle‘s arm, Pulse never feels so relaxing right now. He doesn’t want to move, not even to pull his pants up. He knows he’s a mess now, but he just prays for one more minute to enjoy the aftermath with Castle. Looking up, Pulse lights up a smile on his face and rubs his nose against Castle’s softly.

Castle mumbles heartedly, “I love you.”

“I lov-”

Words are cut by the talking voices from outside, then it’s the metal door sliding sound. And right at the moment, they both know it’s too late. But some efforts are still needed. As Castle jumps down the table and tries to adjust his pants to hide his hard one, Pulse pulls up his pants and boxers and jumps off the table as well. 

Hands shakily handling the belt, and then Pulse hears the sharp gasping.

Fuck.

They both curses, no, everyone here curses under their breaths.

At the door, Dokkaebi, Thermite, Hibana, and Doc freeze. Four pairs of eyes staring at the other two pairs, the silence is extremely thick as the air has stopped flowing around. Nobody moves as if they move, someone is going to get shot.

And roughly a minute later, Thermite is one who breaks the silence.

“I’m sure that’s not yogurt on Miles’s face.” 

Then Dokkaebi burts a laugh out loud, following Doc's facepalm. Thermite giggles and walks towards Pulse as he waves. “I really want to hug you, man. But I don’t know if I should!” Thermite throws a huge black duffle bag on the table, and then like he just remembers something he jerks his head to Pulse. “Please tell me it’s not this table.”

Pulse’s mouth opens but he fails to find any words to speak out. Then he looks at Castle for help. Castle looks back at Pulse and sticks his tongue out and licks the tiny white stain away at the corner of his mouth, and shrugs at him with an innocent look.

“Ew, ew, ew, ew. Get a room please!!” Dokkaebi walks up and complains loudly after she notices what Castle’s doing.

Pulse lets his face sink into his palms, trying to block everyone in the room. He sighs heavily, and he never thinks he’d say this one day, but right now? He really hates his teammates right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who doesn't love yogurt??


	9. Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miles gets to admit his mistakes and he promises he will make it up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HA! Guess who decided to update? 
> 
> I'm so sorry this took this long. 5months, i knooooow, I'm sooo sorry! 
> 
> I actually finished this chapter 4 months ago but i didnt feel like to post it because i was having hard time to write next chapter. But since im close to finish next chapter, I decided to post it! 
> 
> This chapter is not that excited but it will clear things out a bit :) and we also get to see some interaction between Dokaebbi and Hibana. (HOW AWESOME!)
> 
> Anyway, i hope yall enjoy it! Leave a kudo to let me know yall like where this heading :D

Everyone settles down in the safehouse. There are only 5 rooms with one bunk bed in each one here, but it’s easy to solve this problem, right? We have Doc who settles down at the room right above the entrance, and Thermite is staying at the one across from the entrance, which has it left 3 rooms for Castle, Pulse, Dokkaebi, and Hibana. The answer is easy as Thermite and Doc believe that Castle and Pulse are going to share a room. But Dokkaebi is the one who is against it.

“You know, for mission’s sake, and also for our ears sake, god knows what they’re going to do if they sleep together.” Dokkaebi throws her hands up as she continues, “oh wait, we know what they’d do. We literally just witnessed their sex- ”

“Well, aftermath.” Castle clears his throat and corrects her.

“Whatever!” Dokkaebi gives Castle a glare. “Hear me out for this one. It’s a bunk bed, so it’s better for me and Yumiko to share a bed. These two are not going to fit.”

“That makes sense.” Doc agrees and gives a Dokkaebi a thumbs up. Doc knows well that this mission is serious, and the least he wants is something goes wrong. He doesn’t mean that Pulse and Castle sleeping together would cause some problems, but having sex at safehouse while waiting for other operators? That’s very unprofessional. Thus Doc is slightly disappointed with Castle whom he trusts very much with professionalism. As he thinks, Doc drifts his eyes to Castle who sits on one of those dusty stools.

“I don’t mind. Whatever suits you, Grace.” Castle shrugs catching the sight of Doc. “And I’ll stay at the one next to Gustave’s one.”

“Good. Then Yumiko and I will stay at the one next to Jordan’s. And Jack you’ll be staying at the one between us.” Dokkaebi assigns rooms to everyone just like a teacher who’s talking to her students, strict and serious.

After Pulse nods in agreement, others move their sight to the woman who has been quiet since they arrived here, Yumiko. Hibana sits on the table far from the entrance, head down, staring at the floor, out of space. 

Dokkaebi walks to her, putting her hand on the other woman.“You alright?” She asks, pausing for a second, and then speaks again but in a very quiet voice. “Babe?” Her voice is quiet and light, making sure nobody can hear it except her and the woman sitting in front of her.

Hibana looks up, then shifting her eyes to the black operator behind. She finally speaks up. “Why are we here?”

“What do you mean?” Dokkaebi frowns upon the question.

“Why are we here?” Hibana jumps off the table, pushing Dokkaebi aside and walking right up to Castle. Her voice is unusually low, eyes locking at Castle, and lips have tightened to a thin line.

She stares at Castle. The air in the safehouse becomes tense suddenly.

“You already read the file during the flight, didn’t you?” Thermite flicks his eyes to Hibana who now has her back towards him.

Hibana jerks her head to Thermite, eyes sharp. She’s not amused with Thermite’s question. “God damn I did, Jordan. And I still don’t know why we are here. Protect Miles? From what? White Mask? Why do they want him? And we have no clue where these terrorists are at. We don’t know anything! Why can’t we just take him back with our plane? Why do we need to stay here? We never had a mission like this, no intel, no local contacts, no insight, I mean no nothing. I can’t do it without knowing what it is going on here.” Starting with anger, Hibana’s voice slowly turns to self mumbling at the end.

Dokkaebi gives Hibana a gentle hug from behind, only finding the woman in her arms is shaking lightly.

“I-” Castle is hesitating as he’s not sure how to answer all those questions. There is a reason he can’t answer those questions. The connection between him and Six is highly confidential. Moreover, it’s always better to know less, right? Like Castle right now, he knows too much already, and it only leads him to the danger. 

“You what? Tell me, what’s this mean?” Hibana throws a file on the table.

Castle opens the file on the table, and there’s only one paper inside. A white print paper with no more than 50 words on it.

**_Protect Miles “Castle” Campbell_ **

**_Meet at 11°57'29.1"N 103°45'10.7"E_ **

That is it.

Nothing else is on the paper.

It’s rare, no, it’s never like this. Every mission these operators have been on always has detailed information, but this time they only have an address and that’s where they’re standing at right now. What are people scared at? Ghost? Illness? Pain? Death? No, they’re scared at unknowingness. And that’s why Hibana is scared. She has no idea what she’s facing. The only thing she knows is this damn safehouse, which she doubts if it’s even safe or not. More importantly, she’s here on the mission with Dokkaebi. She doesn’t just fear to lose her life but also Grace’s. And for this one, Castle can relate. Nobody wants to lose their loved ones.

“Let’s say, Miles knows some confidential information. And they are chasing him for it.” Doc steps in.

“Who are they?” Hibana asks right away.

“White Mask.” Pulse answers before Doc even opens his mouth.

Doc looks at Pulse with surprise.

Before Hibana tries to say something, Dokkaebi asks sharply, “why didn’t tell us before? Why can’t we just take Miles with our plane.”

“Because we can’t.” Doc answers bluntly. He seals his lips tight, refusing to speak more about it.

“Then what’s the plan?” Thermite asks as his fingers rub against his chin slowly.

“We will talk about that in 30 min here. Now go settle down, and Miles, I need to talk to you. My room, please.” Doc puts up a serious tone in his voice.

Operators slowly collect their bags and walk upstairs, whispering to one another.

Pulse pats on Castle’s shoulder before he follows others to the upstairs

Castle stands on the ground alone for a while, staring at the thin paper on the table. His mind has been filled with various memories. He doesn’t expect anyone to understand how heavy the weight he’s holding on his shoulders is, but he doesn’t want it to become the blade that cuts through between him and everyone else in this safehouse. He doesn’t blame Hibana for acting up like that. If he’s in her shoes, he’d probably freak out too. No operators should go on a mission without knowing anything, but life is such a bitch, right?

_“Miles, this is important. I did this for Rainbow.”_

_“Ma’am, I understand.”_

_“We can’t make any mistakes on this.”_

_“I won’t.”_

_“If one day-”_

_“Even if I have to give up my own life.”_

_“...good.”_

  
  


Castle entering Doc’s room only sees that man is sitting on the bunk bed staring at him. Doc doesn’t look pleased at all.

“Miles.” Doc’s voice is low, and Castle has a bad feeling about it. That voice only appears whenever Doc’s mad or disappointed, and now Doc is both. “I’m disappointed.”

_I’m right_. Castle winces as he waits for Doc to finish his “lecture”.

“I know it’s wrong to let you two to have a vacation.” 

“I chose Cambodia, Gus. God knows why they’d be here too.” 

“Jackpot, huh?” The sarcasm in Doc’s voice is sharp, sharp enough to make Castle argue back again.

“Don’t I deserve to have some personal life?”

“Yes, you do. But that doesn’t mean we can have it right now. The day when we agreed to help Six’s plan, we already gave up on that.” Doc glares at the tall black man standing in front of him. He can’t believe Castle would actually ask such a dumb question. Till Six’s plan is done, Castle, Doc, and Thatcher should not put anything as priority except this secret mission.

Six is a strong woman who fights for justice with her whole life. She found the Rainbow team with a goal to eliminate terrorists. But she realizes this world is much more complicated than that. When she received more and more reports of failed missions, she knew something was wrong. Someone was leaking every information and date of the Rainbow team. At first, she thought it was just rats in the team, but the deeper she went in the rabbit hole the worse things she found. The White Mask is not just a simple independent organization, but an organization that connects to higher power. When she finally found the answer, it’s already too late. A promotion letter, that seems like an award to her, is actually a weapon to kill her research and her power to conduct the team. And that’s when she decided to have a mission for her and some operators she trusted the most, a mission that relates to the future of this word. She turned down the promotion and just stayed in shadow, disappearing from any eyes, while she still kept contact with some chosen operators. To catch something that is hidden in the dark, they have to walk into the dark as well. 

Castle doesn’t refute this time. He agrees with Doc after all. This vacation may be a mistake, a mistake that is caused by his heart, but he doesn’t regret it in any way. Without this vacation, he’d never have any chances to be with Pulse, not even a slight chance. He doesn’t care what Doc would say about it, but he’s glad he made a mistake. And for this mistake, he will make it up.

“I will make it up.” says Castle.

Doc cocks a brow and looks at Castle in uncertainty. He’s not sure what Castle means by “make it up”.

“You already know what next step is right?” Castle doesn’t want to talk more about it and tries to switch a topic.

“Why did you tell Pulse about it?” Doc is not fooled by Castle’s trick. He spits out another accusation right away.

“I-” Castle now feels totally defeated. As he fails to find explanations, he asks himself the same question as well. Why did he tell Pulse? This morning, he was all stressed out about the whole sudden mission, and it hit him even harder when he realized he puts Pulse in danger as well. Maybe he was just weak at that moment. Maybe he feels guilty to put Pulse in this mess. Whatever that was, he sure knew he should not tell Pulse.

And that’s the second mistake he made.

“Gosh, Miles, you’re just to fucking soft when it comes to Pulse.” Doc can’t help but let the anger get on him. Doc is not very close to Pulse at all. They have gone on mission together sometimes and they sincerely respect each other, but they’re no friends. And because of that, Doc fails to see what the potential is in Pulse that makes Castle make mistakes one after one. 

Castle stands still but eyes staring down, letting Doc curse at him. 

There's a couple minutes of silence in this room. Doc wants to say something even more hurtful but he fails to do that as he feels he should be blamed as well. If he stopped Castle and Pulse from going to Cambodia on the first day, things wouldn’t be like this. But since he noticed how Castle would always stare at Pulse in affection, he pitied Castle. The sympathy made him didn’t say anything against the trip.

“About your earlier question.” Doc sighs lightly and softens his voice. “At least now we know they have a stronghold here, in this province. And Six is still working on finding the exact location. But we are not going to sit here and wait for her to give us the info. Tomorrow we’re going to sniff around undercover, and that doesn’t include you and Pulse. You two are already exposed and I can’t risk it to let you walk around publicly. ”

“That’s understandable.” Castle nods.

“And don’t fuck around.LITERALLY. We will keep in touch with you. Tomorrow I’m planning to go at 9am, and we will be back at 6pm.” Doc emphasizes his order and then pauses.

“We still need to wipe out their base here, right?” Castle is trying to assure that they’re on the same page.

“Yes, and at least it’s just one.” Doc strokes his nostril as he continues, “ Six is still not sure how many people they have here. If there’re more, we might need backup. And that means we may even need to stay here longer. But none is for sure until we get confirmed information.”

Castle hesitates for a moment but then still says, “I’m sorry.”

Doc looks up at Castle, waving his arm. “Just don’t make any more mistakes. And, uh, so, you and Pulse, uh, have a thing now?” 

“Yeah.” Castle can’t help to lift the corners of his mouth.

Doc gives him a soft but tired smile back. “Congrats.”

  
  
  
  


***

  
  


When the sun slowly rises up brightening everything on this country, creatures start to run around and make their moves. So do these operators. Doc, Hibana, Dokkaebi, and Thermite are out for their undercover mission already at 9am, leaving Pulse and Castle at the safehouse.

Pulse sits on the stairs with his armors and weapons on his body, and of course his signature sunglasses as well. Behind the shade, his eyes are steadily following every move that is made by the man who’s dressing his gears up. Pulse feels his throat dry as hell when that tall black flexes his muscle. He knows he shouldn’t be thinking this right now, but it’d be a lie if he says he doesn’t want to be pinned down on the table again by those arms. 

“Stop staring at me, or I’m going to-” Castle can feel the hot glaring from behind and he can’t help to tease his boyfriend. But right at the moment before he finishes his words, he hears Doc’s voice in his head and he stops.

_Don’t make any more mistakes_. 

He should keep professional with Pulse right now - more flirting only leads to mistakes. Not that he stops flirting with Pulse forever, but not right now, not when they’re on the mission. He must set some rules between him and Pulse.

“You want to what?” Voice is, all of sudden, so close to Castle already. He doesn’t realize Pulse is already standing behind him when he’s deep in his thoughts. See? He is supposed to be alert right now, but with Pulse’s passionate staring on him he has already lost it,

Castle turns around and steps back. He places his arms on Pulse’s shoulder trying to stop him from walking closer.

“Jack. We can’t do this right now. We have to focus.” Says Castle who’s looking serious right now.

Pulse, at first, freezes for a second but nods in agreement.Then he walks back to the stairs and sits down. “You’re right. It’s very unprofessional of me. Sorry.” 

Castle turns back to the table and collects more of his gears. “It’s alright. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to, but right now it’s not a good time. This mission is serious, seriously dangerous.”

Pulse scratches the back of his head looking at the closed sliding door. Then he moves his eyes around observing the whole building. Now he finally gets a chance to actually look at what this building is like, and soon he finds a problem. “Miles, this place is like a cage.”

“What do you mean?” Castle puts a shotgun on his back and more shotgun shells on his strap.

“Just look at this place. The only door is the front door, and no windows on the ground floor.” Pulse frowns. “Do you have windows in your room?”

“Actually, no.”

“That’s what I thought. Mines either. I guess the rest of the rooms don’t either.” Pulse stands up and tilts his head starting to observe the rooftop. 

“We can’t stay inside.” Pulse points at a top corner of the back of the corridor on the second floor. “If we stay here, let’s say, they’re coming here, we won’t even be able to make it out. We will be trapped here. Let’s get on the rooftop from that window. From the rooftop, we will have sights to look out, and more importantly, we may even escape if bad shit happens.”

Castle looks up at the direction Pulse’s pointing at. There’s a dusty window hanging there. “Good point.” Castle agrees.

Then after they collect more gears and anmore, they make their way to the window. With one hit from the stock of the shotgun, Castle easily breaks the glass. Castle squats down, and Pulse is soon already steps on his shoulder and climbs through the window. Castle jumps up and grabs the hand that Pulse’s offering from the other side. With Pulse’s help, Castle makes it to the rooftop as well.

The rusty tin is making noises as they walk on them. “I hope this is not going to crash.” Pulse jokes.

Castle chuckles lightly, and then he finds a good spot. It’s right on the middle of the rooftop, with some corrugated tin standing still and scattered around. Those corrugated tins can hide them from the entrance exterior gate, and they can peek at the road connected to the jungle through it. It’s a good place for hideout.

Pulse sits down and lays his back against the rust corrugated tin behind him, while Castle lays down and puts his head on top of Pulse’s tights.

“I thought you said we gotta be professional with each other.” Pulse wipes his finger lightly on Castle’s exposed cheeks.

“We used to do this all the time, remember. And we were not together at that time. So I’m sure this is fine.” Castle smiles at the Pulse, and then he pulls out his phone.

Oh, those old times. Pulse lets his mind drift back to those old days when they were just recruits. He remembers their first mission where they just met each other in the FBI. It was a hostage rescue mission, and Pulse was way more reckless back then. When he got shots at his left shoulder, it was Castle who happened to be next to him, and it was Castle who patched him up and got him out of the building. He remembers when they’re sent to Korea for a bomb diffusion mission, Castle made him try Kimchi for the first time of his life. But the tryout ended up him drinking 5 glasses of milk because the Kimchi was too spicy for him. And one time when they were both trapped in a snowy mountain in Canada, it was Castle who kept him warm with those tight hugs. For almost 3 years, they have shared so many memories and times together. And Pulse now looks back, it’s usually Castle who takes care of him. 

What would his life be like if he hadn’t met this man? Pulse doubts if he’d even survive through those life-threatened situations. 

“When did you start having feelings for me?” Pulse asks in a calm voice, but his heart is racing so fast.

Castle pulls his attention from his phone and flicks his eyes at the other man. He thinks for a moment. “Probably the time when we went to Chicago for the hostage rescue mission. Remember? It’s-”

“2 years ago.” Pulse finishes Castle’s words with a smile on his face.

Of course he remembers it. That’s the last mission before they were introduced to the Rainbow team, and it's a failed one. The whole mission is messy. The terrorist had a house as a base in Chicago’s urban area, and when the FBI arrived the terrorist had already held 2 hostages inside. And knowing they had a rare chance to escape, the terrorist even suited up 2 suicidal boomers inside. Pulse was actually the one who saved Castle this time.Pulse shot the boomer down with his shotgun right before he charged towards Castle. 

“But why?” Pulse fails to think anything he did that would make Castle fall for him.

“After you saved me from that suicidal boomer. You jumped and gave me a peace sign like a child. Your smile is something else. And that was a sunny day, you were standing under the sunlight with a bright smile on your face, like an angel.” Castle says as he looks at the clear sky above him, the memory playing like a movie in his head.

Pulse’s smile is slowly spreading wider on his face. He flicks his finger on Castle’s nose as he looks at this man with all his heart. Castle’s words repeat in his head, “like an angel”, and those words are like magic making him all fuzzy and warm. Maybe that’s what it feels like when you’re in love. Heart beating fast, brain floating high, all senses are melting, as he’s on drugs. In a way, love is a hell of a drug, isn’t it?

Then a comfortable silence covers these two men. Nobody speaks up anymore. Just birds tweeting around and wind blowing through the trees, nature’s own music playing in this jungle. No man's languages needed, only feelings are connected. 

They have a long day ahead of them, but at least for now, they have each other.

  
  



End file.
